The Due Date

The due date was another milestone for us. It's such a weird feeling. I know, how many people have a baby on their actual due date, right? Well, I usually have to be induced so it was more of a "I would have had a baby by now" feeling. I could lie and say that the timing wouldn't have been ideal but...it would have been perfect. I love spring time. I would have had a 4 year old, a two year old, and a newborn. I would have my two boys and my one girl. I would have felt more complete instead of completely empty.

I realize focusing on the "would if's" isn't a positive thing, but it's normal. I feel like I have come a long way and am doing well given the circumstance. I am still down, but I am functioning and trying to be the best I can for my kids.

This has been the most frustrating thing. I get so angry at myself when I feel like I am slacking as a mom. I get mad that THIS was allowed to happen to me. It's affected my whole family. I just want to be the best mom I can. Instead, right now I am left feeling stretched thin, tired, emotionally and physically drained, frustrated, impatient, unmotivated, etc. I hate excuses but I can't seem to fully pull myself out of this rut.

Hayden has really been affected by the whole experience. He has always been very in tune with the world around him. He is very sensitive and tenderhearted. There have been several instances where he has cried himself to sleep missing his sister. It certainly doesn't make things easier on me. There was one week that was particularly hard for him. It was hours of trying to console him. I have taken several steps in trying to help him grieve and understand. I have even showed him the pictures of Eden. It's been a process that I really didn't see having to deal with in depth or for this extent of time. He is just a very mature 4 year old.

At the time we delivered Eden, the hospital gave us "feely hearts." They are meant for children to carry around as if their loved one was with them. I had a friend suggest building a bear and putting them in. I kept them for awhile and finally asked Hayden if it would make him feel better. He loved the idea. I explained to both Hayden and Teagan what the hearts were and what we were going to do with them. i decided on doing one "sister" bear and having them both put their hearts inside. I of course forgot my camera in the car but took a few of the "creating" on my phone.

They picked a bear that is oh so girlie. It is quite confusing to people who don't know our situation. Especially when it went EVERYWHERE with us for a LONG time. It even went to Hayden's soccer game...in a doll stroller. Hayden made sure to pick out a very pink outfit with the worlds most sparkly silver heel sandals. He loves it to pieces. Teagan does too if he is ever allotted some time with her :)

He still has her sleep with him EVERY night:



I will be sure to get a better picture of the bear at a later time.

When I lost Eden in December, of course I worried about the "due date" day coming. The only consolation was "knowing" I would be pregnant and progressing with another pregnancy. Growing my family. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test brings on more and more emotions. I could go into detail for hours. I really feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. I feel undeserving of another baby, a daughter. I have really changed what I pray for. I really want to reach a place where I can be okay and feel peace with what happens in my life. I want to put trust in the plan for me. I'm just not there yet. I want to be.

I've had several comments about how many "two" kids is. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the whole world to have the two most perfect, smart, funny, happy, healthy, and handsome boys in the world. I will forever be grateful for that and realize what a huge blessing that is. What others don't realize is the loss it is and the void I have in my heart. The knowing that someone is missing. It's the worst feeling I have ever felt.

I would never trade my family and our health for absolutely anything. Like I said, I just want to get to a healthy and happy place again. Whatever or wherever that place may be.