Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I get a little bit stronger...

This song touches me every time I hear it. Sara Evans is the singer. I am going to take the words that don't apply to losing my baby girl out of it...

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Makes me cry just reading it. I feel like I have been put through the ringer. I never thought I could handle a trial like this. Guess what, sometimes you get no choice. Actually, most of the time you don't. One thing I have learned is to endure. All you can do is keep living and get through it. This will always be a huge part of me and who I have become.

One part of me feels like I am the weakest woman alive. I feel like I have been ripped to complete shreds that could never be glued back together again. Another part feels like the strongest woman in the world. Each day yields new challenges for me to defeat. I learn more and more each day and while I still don't understand a whole lot, I have come a LONG way.

No, not a month has gone by between my tears, but it's not as often. Just when you think you are all dried up, the well is filled again.

Having two boys to wake up to everyday is the biggest blessing. I have mentioned the fact that having them has kept me alive and sane. It hasn't been easy to get out of bed and go through a normal routine while feeling anything but normal. You do it for them. It's always about them and that's how I want it.

Many songs remind me of Eden. I am way more sensitive than I used to be.

I know my heart will NEVER be the same. She will always be in it. It's a good thing. Trials such as this alter your whole life.

I am getting along. Some days, that's all it is. Others are more than "getting along." And yes, I do wonder what she feels. Is she okay without me, us? I have no doubt that she probably is. I wish we could all see the broad picture like she can.

3 comments:

The Gardners said...

Just read all your posts...I loved each one. And since we basically have to live the same life (thanks to all the showings) I don't need to update my blog! Lol. But seriously, I honestly sat here and laughed and cried. Thanks for sharing all of this so honestly...it's such a refreshing change from the stupid brag blogs..."life is perfect. Blah blah blah..."

You amaze me and I learned how to be a GOOD mom from you...I didn't get to see what a mom is supposed to do and watching you has given me courage to be the kind of mom my sweet children deserve. Thank you for that. And thank you for loving Halle like she could be your own. I know it hasn't always been easy for you, so thank you. I could never repay the love you have shown my family! You'll always be my bestie...xoxo

Brett and Lauren said...

Robyn! Oh my goodness, I feel for you. I can't even imagine what it feels like, you're a very strong woman!

Laura said...

Robyn, you do press forward because of those precious boys you have in your care. And you will never be the same and life will never be looked at the same. But you take a day at a time, and you do it. In case you ever need some inspiration, I have a dear friend of mine who's gone through a lot in the past year, here's her blog: http://awidowswindow.blogspot.com/. Nothing can compare to your situation or hers, but sometimes it helps to read how others cope. Love and prayers your way!