The Due Date

The due date was another milestone for us. It's such a weird feeling. I know, how many people have a baby on their actual due date, right? Well, I usually have to be induced so it was more of a "I would have had a baby by now" feeling. I could lie and say that the timing wouldn't have been ideal but...it would have been perfect. I love spring time. I would have had a 4 year old, a two year old, and a newborn. I would have my two boys and my one girl. I would have felt more complete instead of completely empty.

I realize focusing on the "would if's" isn't a positive thing, but it's normal. I feel like I have come a long way and am doing well given the circumstance. I am still down, but I am functioning and trying to be the best I can for my kids.

This has been the most frustrating thing. I get so angry at myself when I feel like I am slacking as a mom. I get mad that THIS was allowed to happen to me. It's affected my whole family. I just want to be the best mom I can. Instead, right now I am left feeling stretched thin, tired, emotionally and physically drained, frustrated, impatient, unmotivated, etc. I hate excuses but I can't seem to fully pull myself out of this rut.

Hayden has really been affected by the whole experience. He has always been very in tune with the world around him. He is very sensitive and tenderhearted. There have been several instances where he has cried himself to sleep missing his sister. It certainly doesn't make things easier on me. There was one week that was particularly hard for him. It was hours of trying to console him. I have taken several steps in trying to help him grieve and understand. I have even showed him the pictures of Eden. It's been a process that I really didn't see having to deal with in depth or for this extent of time. He is just a very mature 4 year old.

At the time we delivered Eden, the hospital gave us "feely hearts." They are meant for children to carry around as if their loved one was with them. I had a friend suggest building a bear and putting them in. I kept them for awhile and finally asked Hayden if it would make him feel better. He loved the idea. I explained to both Hayden and Teagan what the hearts were and what we were going to do with them. i decided on doing one "sister" bear and having them both put their hearts inside. I of course forgot my camera in the car but took a few of the "creating" on my phone.

They picked a bear that is oh so girlie. It is quite confusing to people who don't know our situation. Especially when it went EVERYWHERE with us for a LONG time. It even went to Hayden's soccer game...in a doll stroller. Hayden made sure to pick out a very pink outfit with the worlds most sparkly silver heel sandals. He loves it to pieces. Teagan does too if he is ever allotted some time with her :)

He still has her sleep with him EVERY night:



I will be sure to get a better picture of the bear at a later time.

When I lost Eden in December, of course I worried about the "due date" day coming. The only consolation was "knowing" I would be pregnant and progressing with another pregnancy. Growing my family. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test brings on more and more emotions. I could go into detail for hours. I really feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. I feel undeserving of another baby, a daughter. I have really changed what I pray for. I really want to reach a place where I can be okay and feel peace with what happens in my life. I want to put trust in the plan for me. I'm just not there yet. I want to be.

I've had several comments about how many "two" kids is. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the whole world to have the two most perfect, smart, funny, happy, healthy, and handsome boys in the world. I will forever be grateful for that and realize what a huge blessing that is. What others don't realize is the loss it is and the void I have in my heart. The knowing that someone is missing. It's the worst feeling I have ever felt.

I would never trade my family and our health for absolutely anything. Like I said, I just want to get to a healthy and happy place again. Whatever or wherever that place may be.

A Little "Sack" of "Religion"

Teagan. Yes, this post is about Teagan. Again.

He is trying to grasp the concept of what the "Holy Ghost" is. Not quite sure why other than we attended two different baptisms two Saturdays in a row. At the first baptism, when he heard it was time for the confirmation, he jumped onto Brian's lap so fast and dug his little fingernails into Brian's neck. Then he says, "The Holy Ghost is coming!"

The next week at the second baptism, he kept saying, "The Holy Ghost doesn't have a body huh?" He still was afraid and insisted on being on our laps. Thank heavens for a little fear to keep him in one place and keep quiet.

During his prayers he has said, "Grateful that Christon got the Holy Ghost." He's beyond his years when it comes to prayers.

Couple days later, he drapes a blanket over his head and shouts, "I am the Holy Ghost." We laughed, of course.

Another couple days later he whispers into my face, "Mom, I am the Holy Ghost....Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cracked up. I said, "The Holy Ghost isn't scary." He replied back with a simple, "Yes he is!"

And last but not least...

While sharing a bag of pretzels with Hayden, he was not pleased by the amount of which Hayden was disbursing them to him. I am sure some thought was put into this one. He says, "I am Jesus Christ, I need to carry it." Well, that is just my boy. Always trying to put himself above others. The Alpha Male and Police Officer. And now, quite a religious leader.

I just love him. So much for trying to teach them correct principles at a young age :)

I get a little bit stronger...

This song touches me every time I hear it. Sara Evans is the singer. I am going to take the words that don't apply to losing my baby girl out of it...

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Makes me cry just reading it. I feel like I have been put through the ringer. I never thought I could handle a trial like this. Guess what, sometimes you get no choice. Actually, most of the time you don't. One thing I have learned is to endure. All you can do is keep living and get through it. This will always be a huge part of me and who I have become.

One part of me feels like I am the weakest woman alive. I feel like I have been ripped to complete shreds that could never be glued back together again. Another part feels like the strongest woman in the world. Each day yields new challenges for me to defeat. I learn more and more each day and while I still don't understand a whole lot, I have come a LONG way.

No, not a month has gone by between my tears, but it's not as often. Just when you think you are all dried up, the well is filled again.

Having two boys to wake up to everyday is the biggest blessing. I have mentioned the fact that having them has kept me alive and sane. It hasn't been easy to get out of bed and go through a normal routine while feeling anything but normal. You do it for them. It's always about them and that's how I want it.

Many songs remind me of Eden. I am way more sensitive than I used to be.

I know my heart will NEVER be the same. She will always be in it. It's a good thing. Trials such as this alter your whole life.

I am getting along. Some days, that's all it is. Others are more than "getting along." And yes, I do wonder what she feels. Is she okay without me, us? I have no doubt that she probably is. I wish we could all see the broad picture like she can.

Handsome Hurley Dudes

My cool little dudes in their new shirts from a cool Grandma...

That reminds me of another fun Teagan trait. He finds pure pleasure in calling any old lady with gray hairs, Grandma. Only one of his Grandmas actually has gray hair so its pretty cute. Most women are VERY flattered and just play along.

A Day at the Park

Teagan is my little guy with extremely high volume to his voice. At a baptism of the little girl I used to nanny on Saturday, he became quite a laughing stock of the joint. Believe me, it wasn't the first time a "supposed to be reverent" scene has turned into something much opposite for Teagan. In fact, its a weekly occurrence at church. He is generally singing "I am a child of God" or "Love is Spoken Here" at the top of his lungs or talking loud or shouting "Amen" or saying his own prayer. The list goes on an on. It's a LOT of work. We've received many of compliments to how hilarious he is. It is nice to have some entertainment thrown into the mix every now and again. Saturday's baptism was no different. While sitting on the edge of the bench he starts yelling, "whoa, my butt is falling." When we whispered to him to be quite, his responses went a little like this: "No, I am not going to be good," "Don't talk to me," "Your stupid," and probably a couple more. He also informed us the guy behind us was sleeping after wandering up and down the isle waving and saying "hi" to all who would listen. All of this at a not so quiet volume. I also find it awesome that we have earned to Title of "stupid" at a young age of two. quite an accomplishment I'd say. At the luncheon after he shouts out "that guy has BIG hair!" He was referring to a guy with quite a fro. Oh he keeps us laughing...

This brings us to Sunday. I was burned out and had already fussed once in a week time period over keeping him quiet for a significant amount of time and getting kids dressed up. It was Stake Conference and while I have never seen it as a vacation from church attendance, it certainly was this last Sunday!

We took the kids to a park nearby. We had a blast spending some much needed time with each other and had a fun time snapping shots!

His idea of swinging. He'd much rather do it this way.

My Man.

Brian is just as much of a kid as Hayden and Teagan sometimes. I could not be more thankful. He has NEVER complained about spending time with the boys and is always found on an "adventure," playing outside, at the park, reading or making up stories, playing superheroes, building blocks, shooting hoops, watching a good movie, building forts, drawing cool pictures, etc. I could go on all day. He enjoys every minute spent with his little dudes. Don't know if my boys could have gotten any luckier!

We thought these next two pictures were pretty funny...

Guess who???
All you have to do is look at the finger...

Steve and Brian's bottom.

The beauties on the sidelines.

I did get off my butt and play with the kids later.

He appears to be sulking about something. He is actually playing hide and seek. Just caught him at a funny moment.

King of the World!

Precious

This next series is like a fun flip book. Remember making those?

What a little stud.

I love that my kids hair is so white!

What a good day.