"How do I feel?"

I started this blog post over 3 months ago. I have found very little motivation to do anything. Also, it's all over the place so I feel like it's a rotten post. But, it is a lot of my feelings. Don't feel any obligation to read. In fact, this post may be changed from time to time.

Back to the title...It's a loaded question.

Lots of people ask, but also, I ask myself this constantly too.

I don't even know where to begin with this. I have more emotions running through my head than ever before.

I read a quote in a book that basically summed it all up for me:

"How many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating."

As a mom, there is ONE thing you never mess with and that is her children! I have now been pregnant FIVE times and have two kids. They are perfect and I would NEVER trade them for anything. But I have never felt so alone and empty inside. I never got the chance to protect my little gal.

I have been through every stage of grief and then back again. It is a complete circle that repeats itself over and over.

When we first lost Eden, I was obviously completely devastated but in a great deal of shock. It was Christmas time and lots of distractions. While I was still sad and crying a great amount, it was still so unreal. Since then, I have had complete anger, denial, depression, partial acceptance at times, and then gone back to another. It's hard to pinpoint certain instances that will trigger one of the emotions and easy to pinpoint others.

I have felt like the girl I have wanted for so long was just ripped away from me. I never got to say hello, or dress her up. I never got to hug her or kiss her. I could relate it to having something or someone within arms reach while falling off a cliff. You almost have it and then it's gone, gone for good.

I am confused. I am confused about where she is, why this happened, and what the future holds for not only us, but for her. Everyone has their own ideas and opinions and freely shares them whether its wanted or not. While I don't necessarily think everyone is wrong, I have learned it is different for everyone and everyone must search it out for themselves.

Now, I don't love to share religious stuff often, but this experience could not go without some kind of spiritual relevance. I have always been known for my bluntness, honesty, and not holding back. Some appreciate this while others do not.

The night of my delivery felt very different. While there was so much sadness, their came a great joy from seeing the miracle of life and death. Of the human body and purpose. I knew where Eden had come from and returned back to in just a short amount of time. When I looked and held her sweet little body, I couldn't help but think it was an imperfect body and that someday, her spirit would come to me in a perfect body. That is truly all I wanted or could hope for.

During the Holidays I was able to feel some peace in the plan Heavenly Father has for each of us. My thoughts started to take a turn as I started feeling extremely manipulated into being "good." Now I know it may seem easy to judge, but until you have lost a child, don't. In getting to know other moms who have experienced this, they all feel the same. I felt that the only way I would ever get to see and raise my beautiful girl was if I "passed" the test here on earth. I felt tricked into it all.

I had struggled before this experience to see those who had left the church after experiencing a tragedy. I wondered how you could leave something you knew and felt to be true. I quickly felt humbled. I had NOTHING left in me to give a single soul. Church became a chore and lacked a lot of emotion. I have never been of the attitude, "you give me something first and then I will do something for you." I have just felt beaten into the ground. I feel like every time I have any urge to get back up, I get beaten fiercely back down before given the chance.

I realize now, that I never knew what true depression felt like. I have no interest in activities I once enjoyed. I would love to stay in bed, I have eaten myself sick with peppermint patties (gained all weight back), had high stress and anxiety, and many other pleasurable symptoms. It has not helped a lick that I have not been able to get pregnant again.

Now, I don't want to be a negative person. I have spent numerous amount of time trying to look at the positive. I just see so much sadness around and I am literally worn to pieces trying to find some good things happening right now. I will say that the one blessing I see everyday which is pretty significant is my little family. Brian, Hayden, and Teagan. Everyday that I wake up and have them alive and happy, and healthy. I couldn't be more grateful. If that's what I get out of life, I'll take it. They give me a reason to live. If it weren't for my two boys, I wouldn't want to be here.

I have somewhat felt numb for quite some time. I have to or else I would fall to pieces all the time. I still can't listen to church hymns and certainly can't sing them. I sit and have to distract myself. In most cases, this is how I get by in public circumstances. As my due date approaches and I watch EVERYONE I was pregnant with bring their sweet babies home, emotions are really high again. Losing Eden is part of my life story. It will forever affect certain aspects of how I feel, how I think, and what I do. Time does heal, but it will never change what happened.