Songs

Life has been pretty "silent." After everything happened on December 23rd, I stopped doing things I typically enjoy. One for instance, was listening to music. Music is so powerful to me and I knew that listening to the radio or any kind f music would hurt me to much or later on it would remind me of what happened.

My kids however, have fallen in love with "A Winter's Song." They request it every time we are driving. It is repeated over and over. Luckily, it's a good song. So, after the incident, Brian and I couldn't even turn on the radio, but occasionally, if the kids were in the car, this had to be played. I tried to tune it out like most things right now, but when I did listen to the words, of course I cried.

"A Winters Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms.

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Brian was the first to turn on the radio at one point and when it was on, it was a station neither of us really listen to. I thought, "great, doesn't remind me of anything and it's "hard" enough to not bring to much emotion."

When we took our little road trip down to St. George, we did so in quiet. The kids watched their DVD's but it was the first time ever I was not dying to have a favorite CD, ipod, or station playing.

Like I said, silence. While it can be nice at times, sometimes THAT kills me. Nothing feels quite right still.

After a couple weeks, I have started to be able to turn on the radio in the car occasionally. When a song by Taylor Swift came on, I teared up again. While it doesn't completely pertain to me or my situation, I do look back at December in a different way.

"Back To December" by Taylor Swift

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

I kind of think of these songs as "my girls"