I will start off this new blogging year with what has consumed my every thought and action for the past two weeks now...
This is my journal entry written just a few days after we delivered our stillborn baby girl. I wrote this while it was still fresh so that I wouldn't forget any details.
My Sweet baby girl Eden
"Brian and I made the decision to get pregnant back in August. Brian had been wanting another baby so bad for a couple months. I had wanted to space numbers 2 and 3 out a little more. But, when it’s time, it’s time. I had felt like something or someone was missing from out family. Like when I was taking care of Hayden and Teagan, I would look around for that "someone else."
I was sitting in a sacrament meeting one particular Sunday before I had found out I was pregnant. It was a baby blessing of a little girl in our ward. I had a strong spiritual experience where a voice entered my head and told me I was pregnant, and she was a girl. I don't have these experiences often. That was it. I didn’t try and dwell on it too much after that.
I took a pregnancy test about a week after and found out that I was indeed pregnant. I was so excited and a bit nervous knowing we didn’t have health insurance. I knew we would find a way and all would be okay.
Because of my history with miscarriage, I was put on Progesterone like I had been on with Teagan. I started feeling really sick around 6 weeks. This seemed all normal since I had had the similar thing happen with Teagan. Only, his lasted 2 short weeks and this time, it kept on going. I had a couple weeks I could not physically stand up straight. It was difficult to do a normal task and take care of my kids. Since I had decided not to tell anyone of the pregnancy until we knew the gender, I was faced with the fact I would do most of this alone. I did tell my friend and neighbor who I am very close with so that she could help me out and she did.
I had been so nervous throughout Teagan’s pregnancy given the circumstances I had faced, but with this pregnancy I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I had the impression that everything would be okay. This helped calm my nerves.
One night, I had a dream about Brian’s Dad that was really neat. I felt his presence often after that and knew he was caring for all of our future children including the one I was currently carrying.
I started feeling a little better around 12 or 13 weeks. Not completely, but mostly. I was anxious to spread the news and to know what the sweet baby was that was growing inside me. We went to Fetal Foto around 13 ½ weeks and saw that we would be adding a precious little princess to our family. I couldn’t have been more excited. I had my first impression confirmed true. I felt very close to the spirit and ecstatic to raise a daughter.
The weeks that followed were a bit more interesting. As we shared the news, it was so fun and exciting. Everyone was amazed at the secret I had kept. I was amazed that my physical stature had not given it away earlier. I was gaining way less weight than with my boys who I had gained at least 10 pounds by the time I even tested positive. It still all seemed unreal. I of course made a few small purchases since I had never been able to shop for a girl. I found the bedding I wanted, and had started planning out the room situation.
I still had a hard time “feeling” pregnant. Although I was still neauseous and extremely tired, I didn’t feel like I was growing enough. Clothing became tight, but again, nothing like my boys.
I remember mentioning to my mom once that every time I bought her something, I thought, this will never fit her no matter how tiny it is. She is so small. I guess maybe I never pictured her a normal size infant.
I also had about 2-3 dreams that I started bleeding and lost the baby. I would wake up horrified and afraid. I kept thinking it was due to the fear I had about losing her and my past experiences. I had a glimpse of hope seeing that I had seen her, heard her heartbeat and was almost halfway there. And although she wasn’t very active, I thought I had started to feel her move.
On the night of the 21st of December, as we were driving home, I looked over at Brian and told him I felt weird. I felt like something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t know what was wrong but I wondered if it was because my kids were coming down with something and Brian was trying to make a job decision. Also, our car started to make a strange noise and I was worried about finding a way to pay for repairs. We went home and were getting excited for all the time off Brian had with us. I envisioned in my head what we would do the next couple days to bring in the Holiday and celebrate together. I had been preparing and looking forward to this Christmas for a long time.
The next morning we woke up and started to plan the day. Around 9:30 or so, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I started to panic and told Brian to get the kids ready to go and in the car. Seeing that it would take too much time and kids weren’t extremely happy already, we decided it was best for me to just go. I headed out and called my mom. I started to cry and told her I was coming to get her. I had already tried to get a hold of the Dr, but only could leave a message. My nurse tried calling back while on the phone with my mom. I hurried and called her back. By this time, I had my mom in the car with me. Syndee told me I had an appointment at 12:10. The clock said about 9:46. I had too much anxiety to turn around and go sit at home for 2 hours. My nurse told me I could come in and get my Rogham shot and then wait. I voted for that option so we kept on driving.
We got there and went straight to the lab to get my blood work done. When that was over with, we went into the office to wait for the longest 1 ½ hours of my life. In the meantime, I kept having to go to the bathroom. I had the same experience when I miscarried the first time but tried to chalk it up to nerves.
Several scenarios rushed through my head as I sat there with my mom. What I so badly wanted to happen was for them to tell me where the bleeding was coming from, the baby was fine, and to either go home and take it easy, or everything would be okay.
When we were finally called back, the whole day turned around. First, the technician found a pocket of fluid around the placenta that she said the bleeding was coming from. I was so relieved for a split second. As she moved down further to see the baby, I couldn’t even look. I didn’t see any movement or heartbeat. The technician confirmed she was gone and I was completely shocked and devastated. She also showed me the adema around her head and the measurement that indicated she had probably been gone for a couple weeks. I went to the bathroom and just lost it. When I got out, I was escorted to my Doctor’s office. Syndee met me in the hall and just hugged me while I cried. She came in and talked to my mom and I for a while. We called my Dad and Brian and I texted Kacey and let her know as well. I honestly didn’t know what to do at this point. I was lost and confused. Doctor Terry came in a talked to me as well and shared his experience with a stillborn at 7 months. He is a very spiritual guy and after this experience, I know I was supposed to have him as my Doctor for a reason. I remember Syndee offering to have Doctor Terry help administer a blessing with my Dad when he arrived. We decided to wait and meet Brian at my parents. We talked about my options to deliver our baby girl. We chose to deliver as soon as possible. I couldn’t live with the fact she would sit in me, lifeless, for several days.
I went to my parents and had a priesthood blessing from my Dad, Brian, and Jon. I can’t express how much these blessings mean to me and how Grateful I am for a worthy Father, Husband, Brothers, and Friends who are able to administer these sacred blessings. Heather, Lorilee, and Trevor visited me there later.
We were scheduled to go in to Labor and Delivery at 6 that night. I had been told it could take several days sometimes and I was so nervous to be there over Christmas Day. I just wanted my boys to be able to have an enjoyable Christmas. At this point, I didn’t care for myself. I knew this year would be a “going through the motions” for myself.
We went in that night and immediately were put into a room and started the process. I had asked if they would do another ultrasound to make sure that there was nothing there. I still had a glimpse of hope a miracle could happen. It was confirmed again, that no heartbeat was to be found.
I had Brian there with me at first and then Kacey came. She had helped watch the boys most of the day and packed me a hospital bag. I can’t express what she means to me right now. My parents at this point were watching the boys but brought Teagan with them to the hospital. He was so sweet. He really knew I needed his love. I so badly just wanted to hold both my baby boys and never let go. My grandparents and Brian’s sister Mel came for a visit. It was so nice to be surrounded by those I love.
I was given the pills every 4 hours. At one point, my parents went to get kids in bed and would return when I was closer to delivery. I kept getting feverish and grew more and more uncomfortable with pressure. Dr. Barton was the on call Doctor that night. He wasn’t Dr. Terry, but he was nice. We called my parents when I was already dilated to about a 3 ½. The nurse said it didn’t take much and could happen anytime. I opted to not have any pain medication or epideral. I wanted to have the full experience, it wasn’t too unbearable, and I knew we would be paying out of pocket for everything.
The doctor kept checking and said she was trying to come through but the cervix wasn’t softening up much. He said he didn’t want to pull on anything since she was still so soft and fragile.
I kept dreading the fact I was about to experience labor and lots of physical pain and effort to get out a body without a little spirit. I felt like this work would have no reward.
I was so nervous for this to all be over. I was nervous to see my little girl in a form I had never expected to see her in. I was sad that I would no longer be pregnant in just minutes and have no baby to take home with me. All my hopes for our daughter were gone in just an instant.
Around 3 in the morning, I knew she had come all the way. She was right there and ready.
At 3:13, December 23rd, she arrived in full tact still in the sac. It was amazing to see. The placenta came out with it too which was a small blessing. I had been told there was a chance of a d&c if it hadn’t.
He had to remove her from the sac so we could see her and hold her. I asked Brian if he would please hold her first. I had to know it was okay. She was handed to Brian first on a little blanket. When I was ready to see her, She was handed to me. It was one of the hardest things I had to see. I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. I am so glad I did. It was absolutely miraculous to see her little body. All the parts, just so tiny and slightly incomplete. I remember her skin was still translucent. I could tell she was our little girl. I looked at her precious little feet and hands. So cute. Her head was a little deflated and the hardest thing for me to look at. My mom says she thinks she would have had Teagan’s nose. I couldn’t really tell. I remember her little stomach. I thought her mouth was open but not sure about that either. The little cord was wrapped around her neck which was so heartbreaking to see. I think the Doctor had tried to move it but it was so fragile. She was so fragile. I remember holding her in my hand, feeling her weight. She looked sweet.
I remember the thought crossing my mind that this was a little body that couldn’t make it right now. Just one of those hard things in life. I was so devastated. I remember thinking this is not what I had pictured, I didn’t want to be there, and it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. It was so hard.
She was passed between Myself, Brian, Kacey, and my Parents.
I remember how peaceful the night seemed. It was dark, but cozy in my room. I hated looking across the street and seeing the location of Fetal Foto where I had just seen her lively body moving inside me just weeks before.
We admired her for a bit and then had the nurse come get her when we were ready. It was hard knowing that was the last time physically being able to see her, or maybe just that little body.
I was transferred to a room in the main tower. They thought it would be easier for me. I am not sure it was the best idea.
We had more visitors. Heather again, Kacey, Liana, and Mel and Blair. I received some really pretty flowers from a group of friends. Heather was so sweet to bring me flowers and a decent breakfast. I was amazed by her love and support as well. I have been amazed to see who comes forth in a time like this. I am deeply touched.
I headed home in between 1 and 2. I was anxious to get home, see my boys, and get some Christmas prep done. I was anxious to meet with a friend Traci, who had a similar experience.
At this point, I would like to believe she will come to us again and get a more perfected body. While in the shower, I had a little voice enter my head on Christmas Eve say, “Mommy, I am coming.” I want so badly right now to believe it was her and that it will happen. I still am not sure what to feel and think right now. I am trying to let everything process.
My Dad is probably my main comfort. He is always there and always knows the right things to say. I love him. I know he has inspiration for me. I believe the words he tells me. He also had a spiritual experience happen to him the night before the delivery. He was told not to take this baby for granted as he comforted his Boss who’s daughter had just lost her baby at about the same point as me. He had that same voice come to him the morning all of this unraveled. How close he is to the spirit."
The days that have followed have been unreal. I can't even explain the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, and all other emotions that I am experiencing right now. I honestly feel numb and completely drained emotionally and physically.
Nothing feels right and everything feels strange, uncomfortable, and not normal.
I have so many thoughts going through my head but will save those for another post. I do want to tremendously thank all who have been praying for us. I want you to know that I feel it. I often wonder how I am being sustained and I feel the prayers, the love, and the support. Thank you!
