The Lund Family: March 2009

I know I am a little late on this post as I am on most posts these days. I have gotten to the point that I can't post pictures without editing them first. Teagan's blessing day was a very special experience and I would like to share my "Mom" story and how Teagan came about.

I have always wanted to be a mom. Since the day I could hold a doll in my hands I have mimicked being a mom and played house until I was way past "house" age. When the day arrived that Brian and I got married, neither of us wanted to wait to have kids. I had definitely found the right guy! I still told others that I would probably wait at least a year before I started trying to get pregnant. Not to offend any out there, but what is so special about "waiting a year?" I guess it's just not the popular thing to do to jump into parenthood. However, Brian and I took a fabulous institute class that really helped us reach that wedding date and set goals for us and our future family.

After two months of being married, I told Brian it seemed like we had been married forever and that I didn't want to wait any longer. First month, bam, we were pregnant! I was quite proud to say the least. We both were so excited and couldn't wait to become a family. Of course all I wanted was a "healthy" baby, but I truly wanted a boy first. I came from a family with an older brother and I felt protected and watched over. He was and still is a great example. I wanted a boy to be the head of our family too. Finding out that we were having a boy was one of the happiest days of my life. I got real teary eyed but didn't want to full out cry and make the technician uncomfortable. For all of you out there, I don't cry very often so it really was a neat experience. At one point in the pregnancy I started to bleed. I was completely freaked out and called my mom hysterical and told her I was sure I had lost the baby. This was one of my worst fears. After an ultrasound we learned that the baby was just fine.

After what seemed like an eternity, Hayden was finally born. I have to say that along with getting married, having a baby is the most spiritual thing I have ever experienced. I don't think there is anything more precious and innocent than a newborn baby. This time, I did full out cry. People think I am truly crazy and perhaps I am because there that day to share our birth experience was Brian, my mom, my dad, and my brother filmed (from the head.) FYI, my brother was told when to look away. It was a neat thing for everyone. I remember looking at Hayden for the first time and thinking, "so that is what was in me for 9 months and that is what he looks like." I had the mother goggles (all mom's know they own them) on and thought he was the most gorgeous thing ever living. My labor was pretty normal (about 8 hours) and I only had to push about 3 times (or about 20 minutes at most). The epidural was a lovely companion of mine during Hayden's delivery. I remember being so nervous for delivery but the night I had him, I would have gone right back and done it all over again. It was awesome. A feeling only those who have kids can explain. It is so true what they say, "you never know you can love someone so much that you just barely met." Hayden has been a huge blessing and wonderful addition to our family ever since.

When Hayden was about 10 months old I remember thinking I could do it again. Nuts, I know, but I really felt that way. My number of kids was still at 6 after we had Hayden. It has decreased since number two. We started trying and bam, we were pregnant! I thought to myself how close these babies would be and was a little shocked. I even felt dumb telling people I was pregnant. I was excited none the less and was so worried when again, I started to bleed. I was about 7 weeks along and hadn't been sick like I had with Hayden. I called my nurse and told her what was going on. I told her I wasn't too concerned because I had bled with my first baby and everything had been fine. I was so hurt to find out later that day that I had lost the baby. By the time I went in for the ultrasound, I had passed everything. I bawled the whole way home. I kept wondering what I had done to cause this. All I wanted was to go to my parent's house and be with them and Hayden. I just held Hayden. I remember the morning that I lost the baby but still didn't know it, Hayden sensed it. I know kids are so much closer to the spirit than we allow ourselves to be sometimes. He had been so sweet all day and just cuddled into me. He was never like this. We lived with my grandparents at the time and they never knew I was pregnant and then miscarried. It was really hard to go home that night and pretend nothing was wrong.

The worst part about this miscarriage was that my twin brothers had both left just days before it happened to go on their missions. I was still feeling like I had experienced a great loss with them. Also, my brother's wedding was the next day. Again, I had to go and pretend nothing had happened all while experiencing miscarriage pains and bleeding. I even had people who I had no idea how they could find out, come say, "I heard you are pregnant again!" Talk about a slap in the face.

I wondered how Heavenly Father could ever allow so many trials to hit at once. I never understood before my experience how people could leave the church because of trials and tribulations, after knowing the truth. I was also so mad inside because again, this was my worst fear and it had come to pass. I felt that I could never open my heart again to become pregnant.

Surprisingly, I still didn't wait too long before trying again. It was a few months and then we began trying. Yep, bam, we were pregnant first month. I was so extremely sick this time. I was actually watching my sister-in-law's kids for a week at the time my doctors appointment was scheduled. Someone else was scheduled to watch them for awhile after school. When I went in the doctor did all the normal first checkup things and then did a little ultrasound since I had previously miscarried. He told me he couldn't find a heartbeat but that it was hard on that particular machine and it was still pretty soon. I then got an ultrasound on the big machine and the lady told me that I had a blighted ovum. My mom and I looked at each other and then at the technician and said, "what the heck is that?" I was carrying an empty sac. I remember talking to the Doctor after the ultrasound and he said he wanted to check back in week to make sure nothing was going to grow. He told me, "pay lots of extra tithing this week and say lots of prayers!" I remember having to call Brian and tell him, "guess what, we're probably not really pregnant."

I felt very weird about the whole situation. One week later, after many prayers and blessings, I was told the pregnancy was not viable and that my body was not registering that was the case. I was forced to terminate the sac with a pill. The nurse told me to do it the day after Thanksgiving or it would be Hell. I went home after my cousin's baptism and her baby sister's blessing that night and took the pill. This is of course after reading the label that said I could possible die from taking it. I started to bleed and thought, "this isn't bad at all." That night, the "Hell" the nurse was talking about hit. I woke up and was basically in labor with this thing. I sat in the bathroom and was absolutely miserable until I passed this thing. I was so sick, sweaty, and in pain. As if this wasn't enough, I was told to collect the sac and take it in the next day. It was about the most awful thing I have ever gone through.

By this time I was super angry and frustrated. I experienced the whole, "why me." I had just miscarried months before and now again. The nurse had even told me that my uterus is somewhat "heart shaped" and that I would probably experience this several times. So now my worst fear was going to be a lifelong (while bearing children) health issue. It's not severe enough to do a surgery. I thought many times after this that I would take serious action and "show God" that if he wasn't going to do anything for me, why should I do anything for him.

At a time when things could have gone so bad, I still continued to go to church, say my prayers, ask for husband/father's blessings. I knew that I had to because at one time, I knew what I believed was true. I eventually opened my heart again and got pregnant again. This time it took a couple months and you could only imagine what was going through my head when it took longer this time.

I was sure this time it was a girl and wanted one of each so I didn't have to worry the third time around that I would never get one. I had a little bit of a hard time when I found out he was a boy. Now I wouldn't have it any other way. My boys are super mellow and adorable. I was just extremely grateful that I was having a healthy pregnancy. Morning sickness didn't even last more than a couple weeks. Hayden was 8 weeks.

Teagan was born on November 24th, 2008. Almost 1 year to the day that I had to abort the sac. He was a very quick (3 hours) labor. I pushed a couple times and this time, the epidural was not my friend. I am no longer scared of giving birth without pain medication. It was a pretty intriguing experience. Don't get me wrong, I tried to get it, it just didn't work. His experience was no less special than the first time. I loved everything about it and everything about him.

At the time, I didn't understand why I had to go through the trial of losing a baby/pregnancy. I look back now and realize that I wasn't completely ready. Both times I had previously been pregnant, I was anxious, and felt so bad for Hayden. I just wasn't quite there yet. I never felt that way when I was pregnant with Teagan. It also made me value that pregnancy more. I have learned a lot from my experience. It is very humbling to go through some of the things we do. I truly believe that when we go through a trial, we will learn some reasons now, some later, and then maybe not some until after this life. I am just grateful to have the gospel and a husband and dad who are worthy of their Priesthood. I am grateful for many family and friends who gave their love and their support.

Teagan is such a sweet little guy. For his blessing, we had family meet at Chili's the night before for those who couldn't make it the next day. His blessing was beautiful and he was blessed with many great things. It's very emotional to watch a bunch of men we love gather in a circle to bless our child. Thanks for all who were able to make it. Our sweet neighbor Gavin was also blessed this same day. What a story to tell when they are best friends in the future. I of course took the opportunity to bear my testimony that day. It is super hard for me to do that sort of thing and see my baby's blessings as an opportune moment. We had a little get together after to enjoy some snacks and dessert. I love our family and friends!