My Boy Turns Five!

Hayden turned 5 on June 5th. I am still in denial that he is growing up so fast. When I started having kids at a young age, I never pictured having anything but babies! Wow! Hayden is the sweetest boy I have ever met. He is super sensitive. Sometimes, too sensitive. He has been experimenting a new "attitude" since he turned five. He now needs "adult" towels, bigger utensils, and numerous other items. "Age" is SO important to him now. He is constantly asking what other kids' ages are. Who is bigger, older, etc. Hayden is my little clean freak. Aww, love it. He gets a bath every night yet still wakes up and showers about 90 percent of the time. By himself. He should NOT be doing this! HE hates to disappoint me. Makes for easy discipline. He is easily entertained. Watching him use his imagination is fascinating to me. He could make a toy out of absolutely anything. He has an attention span that lasts forever. Also means he loves his cartoons and movies. Not always lovely. He has a desire to learn that I have never seen before. Always asking to do "school." He has us looking up something new on the internet daily. Usually a new spider he wants to learn about. Hayden can write all of his letters and knows what sound each of them make. He can spell words when sounded out for him. He can read some short words. He can do basic addition and we've started with subtraction. Of course he knows the basics, colors, shapes, etc. He can count, and we are working on going higher. Hayden's favorite thing is telling stories. He loves when others tell them, and he loves to tell them. Usually everyone is required a story in the car or at bedtime. He loves cuddles and I am not giving that up until he forces me too! He loves a good back tickle just like his mommy. He loves for me to sing him several songs before bedtime. His prayers are so cute and at night HAVE to include the phrase, "Please help us to have good thoughts and good dreams." The phrase, "No bad thoughts or no bad dreams," usually means a new prayer will have to be said. He is a very particular kid. He is a perfectionist. As soon as his action figures arms have become non-pose able, they are no longer eligible for play. He remembers EVERY piece that came with EVERY toy. Makes for some fun search parties at the Lund residence. He is still obsessed with superheroes. He is very good at his chores. He is getting better everyday at riding his bike. He asks everyday if he can have a friend. It usually includes the phrase, "I'm looking for a friend today." He enjoys every moment spent with his Lund cousins. He loves babies and asks to hold his cousin Carter and baby Halle whenever they are around. He still misses his sister like crazy and includes her in every made-up story he tells. One of Hayden's favorite activities is playing with his uncles. I fear the day Trenton leaves on his mission. He cried for at least an hour the last time Trenton went out of town for a few days. He loves one on one time with his grandparents. He's become more of a mommas boy. I L.O.V.E it! He is a morning person. Still a great sleeper but wakes up around 8 and immediately wants breakfast and cartoons. He is such a good big brother and is willing to help Teagan with almost anything. He hates change. His first friend moved away and it's been difficult for him to comprehend. He is still a picky eater but is willing to try new things. His usual meals still include: waffles, pop tarts, cereal, chocolate milk, quesadillas, mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwich, turkey, cheese, chicken nuggets, plain noodles, couple bites of meat, hot dogs (sometimes), watermelon, apples, oranges (sometimes), grapes, and his famous cucumbers sliced up. His food must be cut in certain shapes-usually circles. A quirk that is sometimes embarrassing but not worth a battle. We love our sweet handsome prince!

Here is how we celebrated his big 5:

First, his superhero friend party...

I am sure his thoughts are, "Hayden's 5, OH MY!"

Of course Rosie had to follow!

Enjoying some pizza

His friends that are ladies, Kensington and Amelia.
Designing goody bags
Lincolns attachment for awhile. A mask he used as a sunshade.
I know I have anxiety but does this stress anyone else out? Its like a mosh pit of children when present time rolls around!
Pretty pleased about his cupcake.
Pretty sweet huh? Brian designed this the night before. It will forever remind me of when our hard drive crashed for the second time. What a nightmare!

He had such a blast and nothings better than seeing the joy in your own child's face!

Next it was our family and friends of the family party...

These people have played a huge role in Hayden's life.

The co-founder :)

The griller of the dogs. Thanks Dad! Hayden cannot spend enough time with his Papa. Papa was in the room the day Hayden was born and has probably seen him almost everyday since. He is fully involved and loves to spoil his boy. They love movie night. Papa is by far the best story teller of us all.

We love Macee! She would do anything for our family! And most the time, she does.
The adopted uncle Tanner. The boys adore him.
Jon is SO GOOD to play with the kids. He is also a genius so I am pretty sure they got his brains. He is very responsible and can be trusted to do anything. Honestly, he is the guy I trust the most of anybody. It's an amazing quality to possess.
The man who made the bounce house possible. THANK YOU JUSTIN! The kids love Justin too. He plays with them non-stop when he is around. Pretty safe to say he will make an AMAZING Dad someday.
The kids with Helen. She was basically my daughter for a long time! Can you believe how tall she has grown? Plus, with blonde hair and blue eyes, she could pass as their sister!
My niece and nephews, Cooper, Brock, Addie, and Porter. The boys disappear when we are at family gathering. They are in good hands with these guys.

Hayden considers Gavin to be a friend and brother. He is literally confused at the amount of time spent with him. Gavin idolizes Hayden. They have pretty similar personalities and get along great.

This is my cousin Stacie and her husband Roy with their son Kelvin. When I was 5 and cut my head open, Stacie was selected as the "favorite cousin" to accompany me to the hospital where I got my first stitches. Thanks guys for coming and supporting Hayden turning 5! Let's hope his first stitches don't come this year!

Julie and Kelly. Love them. Julie was always babysitting me when I was younger and when she got married, I thought she was the coolest and luckiest girl ever. She is beautiful. Their kids are adorable and her son and my son could be twins separated by age :)

Favorite cousin of Hayd's. Need I say more? We love Rachel Sue!
The little broski. He can be a typical annoyance, but they can play real well together too!
Hayden with Presley. This is Julie and Kelly's youngest. Never thought they would have her but we are sure glad they did!
Words cannot even express these two. Kacey has always been there for me and for Hayden. She is like a second mom. We love her.
Halle arrived just weeks after Eden. I often wondered why my baby girl couldn't make it. Holding Halle is one of the most amazing and unreal feelings in the world. I will never be able to explain it all but babies are so close to the other side and I can feel her and see it in her eyes that she is constantly trying to tell me something. Hayden has claimed her. The marriage is arranged. He is protective of her and could hold her forever. It's kind of like the whole "imprinting" thing.
The cake.
Getting ready to make a wish!

Steve has been Brian's best friend since they were little guys like Hayden. Hayden and him love to rough house and watch documentaries. Sometimes we tease he is Hayden's son because they both start sweating in the car almost immediately even when the air is blowing.

Hayden may not remember living with his Great Grandma and Great Grandpa but I am glad we had that experience. They were able to develop a relationship with their first great-grandchild that they will probably never have with the others. He would always crawl up the stairs to go see them. Grandma would hold him while I showered and got ready for the day. I think he is the only one who's name she can remember.
My cousin Savannah and Meranda with the girls I used to nanny, Esther and Jane. My uncle moved right next door to them while I was nannying and I really tried to force friendship on them. Look, it worked :)
Although Hayden still remembers his dog Kobe we had for such a short while, Ali will be the only dog he has. For a LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG time. My mom claims she will be stuffed :)
I am amzed that so many of my bro's friends came. They all bought him a thoughtful gift too. Hayden loves the attention he gets when they are all at his grandparents house. I do too :)
Courtney is my cousin. She lives across the street from my grandparents. Her and her sister Cassidy would always come hold and play with Hayden.
Just because I love this picture
Yeah, about 99 percent of his gifts were some sort of gun. Haha. Thanks everyone!
Courtney and Hayden enjoying some dessert.
Cutest bikini and bikini wearer in the world.

It will be nearly impossible to top a bounce house, slip n slide, pinata, music blasting birthday party. So many people helped out and we are VERY grateful for all of our loved ones!

My niece has more pics of this event I can get later.

Next celebration was on Sunday at my parents...

He loves knights and dragons right now so I thought this castle was perfect.

His facial expression shows how particular he is about his toys. He's been indifferent about this one from the minute he opened it.

The cakes Grandma made.

Cute little faces!

He definitely had a great time celebrating. Just like I do, spread out the birthday as long as possible!

Memorial Day Weekend

We did our usual trip to Pocatello, Idaho this year. It's been an annual traditional since the time I can remember. It sounds super lame, but it's super fun. Why? Not sure. The purpose is to visit those 6 feet under and yet, the time spent with all my family, swimming, eating out, etc., makes it all a trip worth taking :)

Thank heavens for low quality pool pictures.

Stud muffin back from the pool.

Watching a little netflix movie to wind down for the night. Isaac is my cousin Julie's little boy. We always get comments on how my boys and him look alike. Even as the mom of two of them, I have to agree. Can you see it? They are all handsome toe heads.

Plus, I met this cute family in Idaho Falls for a photo shoot!

The trip was too short as always!

The Due Date

The due date was another milestone for us. It's such a weird feeling. I know, how many people have a baby on their actual due date, right? Well, I usually have to be induced so it was more of a "I would have had a baby by now" feeling. I could lie and say that the timing wouldn't have been ideal but...it would have been perfect. I love spring time. I would have had a 4 year old, a two year old, and a newborn. I would have my two boys and my one girl. I would have felt more complete instead of completely empty.

I realize focusing on the "would if's" isn't a positive thing, but it's normal. I feel like I have come a long way and am doing well given the circumstance. I am still down, but I am functioning and trying to be the best I can for my kids.

This has been the most frustrating thing. I get so angry at myself when I feel like I am slacking as a mom. I get mad that THIS was allowed to happen to me. It's affected my whole family. I just want to be the best mom I can. Instead, right now I am left feeling stretched thin, tired, emotionally and physically drained, frustrated, impatient, unmotivated, etc. I hate excuses but I can't seem to fully pull myself out of this rut.

Hayden has really been affected by the whole experience. He has always been very in tune with the world around him. He is very sensitive and tenderhearted. There have been several instances where he has cried himself to sleep missing his sister. It certainly doesn't make things easier on me. There was one week that was particularly hard for him. It was hours of trying to console him. I have taken several steps in trying to help him grieve and understand. I have even showed him the pictures of Eden. It's been a process that I really didn't see having to deal with in depth or for this extent of time. He is just a very mature 4 year old.

At the time we delivered Eden, the hospital gave us "feely hearts." They are meant for children to carry around as if their loved one was with them. I had a friend suggest building a bear and putting them in. I kept them for awhile and finally asked Hayden if it would make him feel better. He loved the idea. I explained to both Hayden and Teagan what the hearts were and what we were going to do with them. i decided on doing one "sister" bear and having them both put their hearts inside. I of course forgot my camera in the car but took a few of the "creating" on my phone.

They picked a bear that is oh so girlie. It is quite confusing to people who don't know our situation. Especially when it went EVERYWHERE with us for a LONG time. It even went to Hayden's soccer game...in a doll stroller. Hayden made sure to pick out a very pink outfit with the worlds most sparkly silver heel sandals. He loves it to pieces. Teagan does too if he is ever allotted some time with her :)

He still has her sleep with him EVERY night:



I will be sure to get a better picture of the bear at a later time.

When I lost Eden in December, of course I worried about the "due date" day coming. The only consolation was "knowing" I would be pregnant and progressing with another pregnancy. Growing my family. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test brings on more and more emotions. I could go into detail for hours. I really feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. I feel undeserving of another baby, a daughter. I have really changed what I pray for. I really want to reach a place where I can be okay and feel peace with what happens in my life. I want to put trust in the plan for me. I'm just not there yet. I want to be.

I've had several comments about how many "two" kids is. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the whole world to have the two most perfect, smart, funny, happy, healthy, and handsome boys in the world. I will forever be grateful for that and realize what a huge blessing that is. What others don't realize is the loss it is and the void I have in my heart. The knowing that someone is missing. It's the worst feeling I have ever felt.

I would never trade my family and our health for absolutely anything. Like I said, I just want to get to a healthy and happy place again. Whatever or wherever that place may be.

A Little "Sack" of "Religion"

Teagan. Yes, this post is about Teagan. Again.

He is trying to grasp the concept of what the "Holy Ghost" is. Not quite sure why other than we attended two different baptisms two Saturdays in a row. At the first baptism, when he heard it was time for the confirmation, he jumped onto Brian's lap so fast and dug his little fingernails into Brian's neck. Then he says, "The Holy Ghost is coming!"

The next week at the second baptism, he kept saying, "The Holy Ghost doesn't have a body huh?" He still was afraid and insisted on being on our laps. Thank heavens for a little fear to keep him in one place and keep quiet.

During his prayers he has said, "Grateful that Christon got the Holy Ghost." He's beyond his years when it comes to prayers.

Couple days later, he drapes a blanket over his head and shouts, "I am the Holy Ghost." We laughed, of course.

Another couple days later he whispers into my face, "Mom, I am the Holy Ghost....Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cracked up. I said, "The Holy Ghost isn't scary." He replied back with a simple, "Yes he is!"

And last but not least...

While sharing a bag of pretzels with Hayden, he was not pleased by the amount of which Hayden was disbursing them to him. I am sure some thought was put into this one. He says, "I am Jesus Christ, I need to carry it." Well, that is just my boy. Always trying to put himself above others. The Alpha Male and Police Officer. And now, quite a religious leader.

I just love him. So much for trying to teach them correct principles at a young age :)

I get a little bit stronger...

This song touches me every time I hear it. Sara Evans is the singer. I am going to take the words that don't apply to losing my baby girl out of it...

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Makes me cry just reading it. I feel like I have been put through the ringer. I never thought I could handle a trial like this. Guess what, sometimes you get no choice. Actually, most of the time you don't. One thing I have learned is to endure. All you can do is keep living and get through it. This will always be a huge part of me and who I have become.

One part of me feels like I am the weakest woman alive. I feel like I have been ripped to complete shreds that could never be glued back together again. Another part feels like the strongest woman in the world. Each day yields new challenges for me to defeat. I learn more and more each day and while I still don't understand a whole lot, I have come a LONG way.

No, not a month has gone by between my tears, but it's not as often. Just when you think you are all dried up, the well is filled again.

Having two boys to wake up to everyday is the biggest blessing. I have mentioned the fact that having them has kept me alive and sane. It hasn't been easy to get out of bed and go through a normal routine while feeling anything but normal. You do it for them. It's always about them and that's how I want it.

Many songs remind me of Eden. I am way more sensitive than I used to be.

I know my heart will NEVER be the same. She will always be in it. It's a good thing. Trials such as this alter your whole life.

I am getting along. Some days, that's all it is. Others are more than "getting along." And yes, I do wonder what she feels. Is she okay without me, us? I have no doubt that she probably is. I wish we could all see the broad picture like she can.

Handsome Hurley Dudes

My cool little dudes in their new shirts from a cool Grandma...

That reminds me of another fun Teagan trait. He finds pure pleasure in calling any old lady with gray hairs, Grandma. Only one of his Grandmas actually has gray hair so its pretty cute. Most women are VERY flattered and just play along.

A Day at the Park

Teagan is my little guy with extremely high volume to his voice. At a baptism of the little girl I used to nanny on Saturday, he became quite a laughing stock of the joint. Believe me, it wasn't the first time a "supposed to be reverent" scene has turned into something much opposite for Teagan. In fact, its a weekly occurrence at church. He is generally singing "I am a child of God" or "Love is Spoken Here" at the top of his lungs or talking loud or shouting "Amen" or saying his own prayer. The list goes on an on. It's a LOT of work. We've received many of compliments to how hilarious he is. It is nice to have some entertainment thrown into the mix every now and again. Saturday's baptism was no different. While sitting on the edge of the bench he starts yelling, "whoa, my butt is falling." When we whispered to him to be quite, his responses went a little like this: "No, I am not going to be good," "Don't talk to me," "Your stupid," and probably a couple more. He also informed us the guy behind us was sleeping after wandering up and down the isle waving and saying "hi" to all who would listen. All of this at a not so quiet volume. I also find it awesome that we have earned to Title of "stupid" at a young age of two. quite an accomplishment I'd say. At the luncheon after he shouts out "that guy has BIG hair!" He was referring to a guy with quite a fro. Oh he keeps us laughing...

This brings us to Sunday. I was burned out and had already fussed once in a week time period over keeping him quiet for a significant amount of time and getting kids dressed up. It was Stake Conference and while I have never seen it as a vacation from church attendance, it certainly was this last Sunday!

We took the kids to a park nearby. We had a blast spending some much needed time with each other and had a fun time snapping shots!

His idea of swinging. He'd much rather do it this way.

My Man.

Brian is just as much of a kid as Hayden and Teagan sometimes. I could not be more thankful. He has NEVER complained about spending time with the boys and is always found on an "adventure," playing outside, at the park, reading or making up stories, playing superheroes, building blocks, shooting hoops, watching a good movie, building forts, drawing cool pictures, etc. I could go on all day. He enjoys every minute spent with his little dudes. Don't know if my boys could have gotten any luckier!

We thought these next two pictures were pretty funny...

Guess who???
All you have to do is look at the finger...

Steve and Brian's bottom.

The beauties on the sidelines.

I did get off my butt and play with the kids later.

He appears to be sulking about something. He is actually playing hide and seek. Just caught him at a funny moment.

King of the World!

Precious

This next series is like a fun flip book. Remember making those?

What a little stud.

I love that my kids hair is so white!

What a good day.