The Lund Family

Teagan's Number Three

2012-01-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

Teagan's birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I am still in awe that he is three. I think it is harder to think about when he had been born for 6 months by the time Hayden was this age. Craziness! He is still my baby.

Teagan is so much fun to have around. I couldn't be more grateful that my boys are different. They both offer such greatness to our family.

Teagan is chuck full of personality. I call him our little police officer, our alpha male. He is a rule enforcer even if he does not abide by the same rules.

Teagan is loud. He is opinionated. He knows what he wants and has enough determination and persuasion to always get what he is after.

Some of his hardest traits now, will be the ones I appreciate most when he is older.

He is smart as a whip and comprehends so much. He is never lacking for words and loves to tell stories. They usually include a bear, shark, wolf, or sloth.

He is a major Daddy and Papa's boy.

He is active and still loves sports. He played on his first soccer team this past fall. He is a sports fanatic and loves a good game. Although, his favorite thing now are halftime dancers :)

He is continually making us laugh. This kid has the greatest sense of humor.

He is a bit mischievous but he always has a way of justifying his actions.

He is very independent and can do most anything without help. He prefers it that way.

He is in love with his "green blankies." They are the same ones Hayden loved at this age.

He now has imaginary friend(s) named Dale n' Melon. Never quite sure if it is one person or two. We had the same dilemma with Gru n' Puap.

He is the worlds best eater still. very refreshing.

Good sleeper and still napping.

Super tall.

WE LOVE OUR TEAGS!

We decided to celebrate with his buddies before Thanksgiving arrived. We had a basketball themed party. Turned out adorable.

Teagan wears JUST the wife-beater when he is a "karate kid" or an athlete. It suits him well. We set up the basement as a mini basketball court and did some drills. They loved it.

We also played pin the number on the jersey.

Opening gifts from friends.
Birthday hugs.

Wonder what he wished for. Seriously, I do...

Eating up the deliciousness of a cake and some ice cream.
What a fun party!

Teagan's actual Birthday and Thanksgiving day, we gave him his very fancy birthday breakfast...

He loves "eggies." He also loves cinnamon rolls. The orange, he likes, but it was also to add some fruit to the meal. I do make an effort here and there :)
Me and my little dudes.

Me and the Birthday Boy

Inside at Thanksgiving dinner...

Have to apologize for some of the picture qualities. I am without editing software currently.
What would the Holidays be without an awkward family photo. Their unplanned "matchy matchy" outfits were just too good to pass up the opportunity.

Back to Birthday...

An electronic ATM for the toddler obsessed with money money money.

Another green blankie. Never can have enough with wash cycles and all. This still doesn't hold a candle to the originals. The originals are an olive green and just authentic I suppose :)
We gave him a bike. He has already has some good use out of it. He is a champ bike rider.
Oh how I love this boy!!!

Our Fall

2012-01-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

This fall we managed to have a pretty good time with various activities.

First is the infamous pumpkin patch. Brian is the best Dad a kid could ask for. He is always making sure these boys are on some kind of adventure...

Next was our drive up the canyon to see the fall colors...

Brian's sister offered us Octoberfest tickets so that was our next stop...

Right in his element.
Teagan with his Aunt Pam This kid has no fear! He will try anything at least once.
The boys favorite part was designing their own rocket and launching them. It's obvious from Teagan's face in the below picture :)

Halloween started out with Hayden's school parade...

Hayden was very sweet to tote his brother along. Teagan is so proud when he can be involved with his big brothers activities.

We also did a little friend Halloween party at the Scott's house...
Not sure what had upset Cooper so much. I think he wanted a different costume.

Our boys dressed up as Hiccup from "How to Train a Dragon," and well, Teagan was a shark. Very fitting since him and his papa watch shark videos on youtube on a weekly basis. We did some trick or treating in our own neighborhood then ventured over to my parents for our annual chili and breadsticks meal and more trick or treating. It was a fun night for sure!

The Fantastic 6 Reunion

2012-01-10T08:46:00.001-08:00

Remember the 6 little babies who all lived within yards of each other when they were born? Well, Only 2 of them can say that now. Jameson is the most adventerous moving across the country to Texas where he can fulfill his Texan dream. Lincoln and Gavin moved Eastside. Lincoln now has full access to a Library across the street and has gained another brother and partner in crime. Gavin has property galore to explore and become the little "gardner" inside him. Jack built his dream home with a gray door which he is so very proud of. He can now venture from room to room making sure all light fixtures are in tact. Amelia is the assistant in running an in home preschool and still lives next door. Teagan is still living his same life in the same house but keeps busy conjuring up new mischief. He is still super sweet (most the time) and IS getting to be an easier kid.

I love the personalities shining through in these pictures...

While we waited for Lincoln who was not keen on a photo shoot, we snapped a few of the five...

We tried to have each of the boys give Amelia a flower. You can see how well that worked out.

And then when he did come out, so did his tongue...

And...Amelia was very done at this point. She is not used to so much testosterone.Jameson was full of personality during the shoot and Teagan's main goal was to irritate Gavin to pieces. It worked.

I am not going to lie, I wish they all still lived within yards of each other.

Hayden Starts Preschool

2012-01-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

With Hayden having a summer birthday and hundreds of different opinions flying our direction, we decided on the preschool route and to put off kindergarten one more year. I didn't worry about Hayden socially or academically, but I thought there was no reason NOT to give him every advantage possible. One of my big reasons was the whole dating and driving thing when he is a sophomore. He will be able to do both his entire sophomore year. Another positive aspect was being the oldest in your grade would give him the advantage in the sports department. Brian also likes the idea of no time between graduation and mission, if that is what Hayden decides to do. So with all that said, we found Hayden a preschool that would challenge him as an individual. He was already 5 when he started and could already do what those going into kindergarten could do. My cousin told me about a Preschool in Riverton and it sounded amazing. I checked it out and LOVED it. Such a positive feeling and nice women who work there.

It was so hard to drop my guy off. I was not ready to have my little boy not be with me 24/7. The teacher had to tell me to leave and that Hayden needed to learn to do things himself. I was slightly offended but there is lots of truth to that. I have always done everything for him!

I really can't believe how big he is!

Summa Trips!

2011-08-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

We have been very lucky to go on a couple family trips. They have mostly been LONG weekend trips but we will take them! Our first adventure was to Lake Powell. We left Teagan home with my parents again this year. Brian and Hayden had the hardest time with this idea this year instead of me. Hayden kept mentioning that we could think about him while we were away and I had to talk him out of taking an 8x10 picture of Teagan with us. So sweet. As much as they can fight, they sure do love each other. Teagan wasn't too excited about being left behind but going to Cowabunga Bay with his Uncles was motivation enough to have a tearless goodbye.

Hayden loved the wienie rides this year. As you can tell, he kept giving a thumbs up sign telling his uncles to drive FASTER!

Have to show off my man's bod. Plus, I know he'll appreciate the picture in 40 years too :)

These two riding the wienie was by far the funniest thing everOur accommodations for the tripWe did a few fireworks while we were there.

Boat rides still put Hayden to sleep.
Hayden's new adventure this year was trying wake surfing for the first time. He thoroughly enjoyed himself and was very proud!Blair and HaydenHayden and RachelOh how we love Lake Powell!

Our next getaway was to Aunt Cheryl's cabin over the 24th of July Weekend...

Thanks Cheryl for the fun weekend!

Our next journey was to Yellowstone National Park...

Mr. Independant

This is when he told us he was going to get a tube and go down the waterfall by himself. He really did believe he could.
The "in shape" crowd hiked down to the lower falls.
Something wrong with this picture. This was a common scene.

The only bear sightings we had this time was at the wolf and bear discovery park across the street from Yellowstone's entrance.

We also had a little weekend get-away to Park City with the Gardners and the Scotts...

We are sure lucky to have some hook-ups!

Lots of Attitude and a little Yellowstone Trip

2011-07-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

we just got back from my families vacation to Yellowstone. I will be uploading all ht epictures later but there are just a few things about Teagan I must jot down.

First of all, he is POTTY TRAINED! All this stressing about how and when and it's done! We went to my sister-in-law's cabin last weekend and between nature and a swimsuit the boy trained himself. It's amazing what that boy will do to take a pee somewhere other than the normal toilet. He also knew swimsuit time would come to an end earlier if there was an accident in it. So...he is trained! I had worked with him before in the past here and there and had introduce it around age 2. With both my boys, when they turned 2, I just let them sit on their little toilet and let them get used to the idea and concept. I knew Teagan was READY quite some time ago but I am not about the early training. In my opinion, most the time the parents are just well trained. I had also heard with boys, age 3 is the best. I am grateful for the $15 I will be loading my wallet with when I return the unopened box of diapers to the store. He also stays dry at night. YAY!

He has learned to use this whole potty trained thing to his advantage. While traveling if he ever felt the urge to get out of the car, he would fake the urge to use the restroom which most of the time resulted in nothing. Oh the joys.

While on the trip he was a sassy little firecracker. Made me laugh even with all the attitude.

When he dropped a chip he quickly took it to my Dad to ask if it was yucky now. My Dad said, "yes it's yucky, don't eat it." Teagan than replied with a "no it's not," as he shoved it into his mouth. Why ask? He loves the reaction. He knew he was going to eat that chip regardless. That is my Teagan.

At dinner one night he was not happy with Jeremy telling him no to something. He shouted at him, "you are a fat face and I hate grown-ups." Yes, that is word for word. Where did he get either of those terms, I don't really know.

His other favorite name to call people is, "fart pants." Why do boys come with crude humor?

He used the term later when he said, "I am going to go with the grown-ups. He really does think he is a big boy. He knows you are an adult at "18" and he has informed us he will be going ski-diving by HIMSELF when he is 18. Thank his uncles and their latest adventure for that one.

Every time he saw a sign in the park he would abruptly tell us what it said. Now, he is smart, but no he can't read quite yet. He just knows what we've been telling him. If it involved water, he would tell us "Don't touch the water, it is hot!" Or something along those lines. If it was an animal, he would tell us how dangerous it was.

While visiting the upper falls he said, "I'm going to go get my swimming suit on and go down the waterfall all by myself." He loves a good thrill.

When I told him to not run away from me at the falls, he said, "Okay. When I run away, you come and catch me."

When told to get strapped before we left for home, he said, "nope, I am going to get into the street." And...then he hopped out of the car and into the parking lot. Well, he is honest at least.

There were so many more.

Soccer Season

2011-07-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

Another soccer season for Hayden has come and gone! He has gotten much better and enthused than he was last season. He even scored quite a few goals. He was so proud of himself. Here's a compilation from the games of our little soccer star:

He was number 10 this year.

How easily kids are distracted while playing sports. Much more interested in what their friends are doing. Max and Hayden were usually glued at the hips during the games.

Teagan loved to get in on the action. He was even better than some of the 3 year olds on the team. He helped warm up with them. He really felt important. We always made sure he had Hayden's old uniform on.

Hayden and Max made a great team when scoring goals.

Brian coached the team this year and did an AMAZING job with all the kids.

Buddies and Teammates.

Spectators.

High fives all around.

Here Teag decided to get on in there. At one point when he got to the ball and kicked it, it shocked him and he cam running to me on the sidelines.

Teagan insisted on Brian holding him at times during the game. He has a Daddy who is a great sport to do it!

We are excited to spend many of days on the field, court, or wherever it is, for years to come with both our boys!

Hayden's 5 year old Pictures

2011-07-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

Handsome Hayden.

My Boy Turns Five!

2011-07-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hayden turned 5 on June 5th. I am still in denial that he is growing up so fast. When I started having kids at a young age, I never pictured having anything but babies! Wow! Hayden is the sweetest boy I have ever met. He is super sensitive. Sometimes, too sensitive. He has been experimenting a new "attitude" since he turned five. He now needs "adult" towels, bigger utensils, and numerous other items. "Age" is SO important to him now. He is constantly asking what other kids' ages are. Who is bigger, older, etc. Hayden is my little clean freak. Aww, love it. He gets a bath every night yet still wakes up and showers about 90 percent of the time. By himself. He should NOT be doing this! HE hates to disappoint me. Makes for easy discipline. He is easily entertained. Watching him use his imagination is fascinating to me. He could make a toy out of absolutely anything. He has an attention span that lasts forever. Also means he loves his cartoons and movies. Not always lovely. He has a desire to learn that I have never seen before. Always asking to do "school." He has us looking up something new on the internet daily. Usually a new spider he wants to learn about. Hayden can write all of his letters and knows what sound each of them make. He can spell words when sounded out for him. He can read some short words. He can do basic addition and we've started with subtraction. Of course he knows the basics, colors, shapes, etc. He can count, and we are working on going higher. Hayden's favorite thing is telling stories. He loves when others tell them, and he loves to tell them. Usually everyone is required a story in the car or at bedtime. He loves cuddles and I am not giving that up until he forces me too! He loves a good back tickle just like his mommy. He loves for me to sing him several songs before bedtime. His prayers are so cute and at night HAVE to include the phrase, "Please help us to have good thoughts and good dreams." The phrase, "No bad thoughts or no bad dreams," usually means a new prayer will have to be said. He is a very particular kid. He is a perfectionist. As soon as his action figures arms have become non-pose able, they are no longer eligible for play. He remembers EVERY piece that came with EVERY toy. Makes for some fun search parties at the Lund residence. He is still obsessed with superheroes. He is very good at his chores. He is getting better everyday at riding his bike. He asks everyday if he can have a friend. It usually includes the phrase, "I'm looking for a friend today." He enjoys every moment spent with his Lund cousins. He loves babies and asks to hold his cousin Carter and baby Halle whenever they are around. He still misses his sister like crazy and includes her in every made-up story he tells. One of Hayden's favorite activities is playing with his uncles. I fear the day Trenton leaves on his mission. He cried for at least an hour the last time Trenton went out of town for a few days. He loves one on one time with his grandparents. He's become more of a mommas boy. I L.O.V.E it! He is a morning person. Still a great sleeper but wakes up around 8 and immediately wants breakfast and cartoons. He is such a good big brother and is willing to help Teagan with almost anything. He hates change. His first friend moved away and it's been difficult for him to comprehend. He is still a picky eater but is willing to try new things. His usual meals still include: waffles, pop tarts, cereal, chocolate milk, quesadillas, mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwich, turkey, cheese, chicken nuggets, plain noodles, couple bites of meat, hot dogs (sometimes), watermelon, apples, oranges (sometimes), grapes, and his famous cucumbers sliced up. His food must be cut in certain shapes-usually circles. A quirk that is sometimes embarrassing but not worth a battle. We love our sweet handsome prince!

Here is how we celebrated his big 5:

First, his superhero friend party...

I am sure his thoughts are, "Hayden's 5, OH MY!"

Of course Rosie had to follow!

Enjoying some pizza

His friends that are ladies, Kensington and Amelia.
Designing goody bags
Lincolns attachment for awhile. A mask he used as a sunshade.
I know I have anxiety but does this stress anyone else out? Its like a mosh pit of children when present time rolls around!
Pretty pleased about his cupcake.
Pretty sweet huh? Brian designed this the night before. It will forever remind me of when our hard drive crashed for the second time. What a nightmare!

He had such a blast and nothings better than seeing the joy in your own child's face!

Next it was our family and friends of the family party...

These people have played a huge role in Hayden's life.

The co-founder :)

The griller of the dogs. Thanks Dad! Hayden cannot spend enough time with his Papa. Papa was in the room the day Hayden was born and has probably seen him almost everyday since. He is fully involved and loves to spoil his boy. They love movie night. Papa is by far the best story teller of us all.

We love Macee! She would do anything for our family! And most the time, she does.
The adopted uncle Tanner. The boys adore him.
Jon is SO GOOD to play with the kids. He is also a genius so I am pretty sure they got his brains. He is very responsible and can be trusted to do anything. Honestly, he is the guy I trust the most of anybody. It's an amazing quality to possess.
The man who made the bounce house possible. THANK YOU JUSTIN! The kids love Justin too. He plays with them non-stop when he is around. Pretty safe to say he will make an AMAZING Dad someday.
The kids with Helen. She was basically my daughter for a long time! Can you believe how tall she has grown? Plus, with blonde hair and blue eyes, she could pass as their sister!
My niece and nephews, Cooper, Brock, Addie, and Porter. The boys disappear when we are at family gathering. They are in good hands with these guys.

Hayden considers Gavin to be a friend and brother. He is literally confused at the amount of time spent with him. Gavin idolizes Hayden. They have pretty similar personalities and get along great.

This is my cousin Stacie and her husband Roy with their son Kelvin. When I was 5 and cut my head open, Stacie was selected as the "favorite cousin" to accompany me to the hospital where I got my first stitches. Thanks guys for coming and supporting Hayden turning 5! Let's hope his first stitches don't come this year!

Julie and Kelly. Love them. Julie was always babysitting me when I was younger and when she got married, I thought she was the coolest and luckiest girl ever. She is beautiful. Their kids are adorable and her son and my son could be twins separated by age :)

Favorite cousin of Hayd's. Need I say more? We love Rachel Sue!
The little broski. He can be a typical annoyance, but they can play real well together too!
Hayden with Presley. This is Julie and Kelly's youngest. Never thought they would have her but we are sure glad they did!
Words cannot even express these two. Kacey has always been there for me and for Hayden. She is like a second mom. We love her.
Halle arrived just weeks after Eden. I often wondered why my baby girl couldn't make it. Holding Halle is one of the most amazing and unreal feelings in the world. I will never be able to explain it all but babies are so close to the other side and I can feel her and see it in her eyes that she is constantly trying to tell me something. Hayden has claimed her. The marriage is arranged. He is protective of her and could hold her forever. It's kind of like the whole "imprinting" thing.
The cake.
Getting ready to make a wish!

Steve has been Brian's best friend since they were little guys like Hayden. Hayden and him love to rough house and watch documentaries. Sometimes we tease he is Hayden's son because they both start sweating in the car almost immediately even when the air is blowing.

Hayden may not remember living with his Great Grandma and Great Grandpa but I am glad we had that experience. They were able to develop a relationship with their first great-grandchild that they will probably never have with the others. He would always crawl up the stairs to go see them. Grandma would hold him while I showered and got ready for the day. I think he is the only one who's name she can remember.
My cousin Savannah and Meranda with the girls I used to nanny, Esther and Jane. My uncle moved right next door to them while I was nannying and I really tried to force friendship on them. Look, it worked :)
Although Hayden still remembers his dog Kobe we had for such a short while, Ali will be the only dog he has. For a LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG time. My mom claims she will be stuffed :)
I am amzed that so many of my bro's friends came. They all bought him a thoughtful gift too. Hayden loves the attention he gets when they are all at his grandparents house. I do too :)
Courtney is my cousin. She lives across the street from my grandparents. Her and her sister Cassidy would always come hold and play with Hayden.
Just because I love this picture
Yeah, about 99 percent of his gifts were some sort of gun. Haha. Thanks everyone!
Courtney and Hayden enjoying some dessert.
Cutest bikini and bikini wearer in the world.

It will be nearly impossible to top a bounce house, slip n slide, pinata, music blasting birthday party. So many people helped out and we are VERY grateful for all of our loved ones!

My niece has more pics of this event I can get later.

Next celebration was on Sunday at my parents...

He loves knights and dragons right now so I thought this castle was perfect.

His facial expression shows how particular he is about his toys. He's been indifferent about this one from the minute he opened it.

The cakes Grandma made.

Cute little faces!

He definitely had a great time celebrating. Just like I do, spread out the birthday as long as possible!

Memorial Day Weekend

2011-07-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

We did our usual trip to Pocatello, Idaho this year. It's been an annual traditional since the time I can remember. It sounds super lame, but it's super fun. Why? Not sure. The purpose is to visit those 6 feet under and yet, the time spent with all my family, swimming, eating out, etc., makes it all a trip worth taking :)

Thank heavens for low quality pool pictures.

Stud muffin back from the pool.

Watching a little netflix movie to wind down for the night. Isaac is my cousin Julie's little boy. We always get comments on how my boys and him look alike. Even as the mom of two of them, I have to agree. Can you see it? They are all handsome toe heads.

Plus, I met this cute family in Idaho Falls for a photo shoot!

The trip was too short as always!

The Due Date

2011-05-31T20:39:00.002-07:00

The due date was another milestone for us. It's such a weird feeling. I know, how many people have a baby on their actual due date, right? Well, I usually have to be induced so it was more of a "I would have had a baby by now" feeling. I could lie and say that the timing wouldn't have been ideal but...it would have been perfect. I love spring time. I would have had a 4 year old, a two year old, and a newborn. I would have my two boys and my one girl. I would have felt more complete instead of completely empty.

I realize focusing on the "would if's" isn't a positive thing, but it's normal. I feel like I have come a long way and am doing well given the circumstance. I am still down, but I am functioning and trying to be the best I can for my kids.

This has been the most frustrating thing. I get so angry at myself when I feel like I am slacking as a mom. I get mad that THIS was allowed to happen to me. It's affected my whole family. I just want to be the best mom I can. Instead, right now I am left feeling stretched thin, tired, emotionally and physically drained, frustrated, impatient, unmotivated, etc. I hate excuses but I can't seem to fully pull myself out of this rut.

Hayden has really been affected by the whole experience. He has always been very in tune with the world around him. He is very sensitive and tenderhearted. There have been several instances where he has cried himself to sleep missing his sister. It certainly doesn't make things easier on me. There was one week that was particularly hard for him. It was hours of trying to console him. I have taken several steps in trying to help him grieve and understand. I have even showed him the pictures of Eden. It's been a process that I really didn't see having to deal with in depth or for this extent of time. He is just a very mature 4 year old.

At the time we delivered Eden, the hospital gave us "feely hearts." They are meant for children to carry around as if their loved one was with them. I had a friend suggest building a bear and putting them in. I kept them for awhile and finally asked Hayden if it would make him feel better. He loved the idea. I explained to both Hayden and Teagan what the hearts were and what we were going to do with them. i decided on doing one "sister" bear and having them both put their hearts inside. I of course forgot my camera in the car but took a few of the "creating" on my phone.

They picked a bear that is oh so girlie. It is quite confusing to people who don't know our situation. Especially when it went EVERYWHERE with us for a LONG time. It even went to Hayden's soccer game...in a doll stroller. Hayden made sure to pick out a very pink outfit with the worlds most sparkly silver heel sandals. He loves it to pieces. Teagan does too if he is ever allotted some time with her :)

He still has her sleep with him EVERY night:

I will be sure to get a better picture of the bear at a later time.

When I lost Eden in December, of course I worried about the "due date" day coming. The only consolation was "knowing" I would be pregnant and progressing with another pregnancy. Growing my family. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test brings on more and more emotions. I could go into detail for hours. I really feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. I feel undeserving of another baby, a daughter. I have really changed what I pray for. I really want to reach a place where I can be okay and feel peace with what happens in my life. I want to put trust in the plan for me. I'm just not there yet. I want to be.

I've had several comments about how many "two" kids is. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the whole world to have the two most perfect, smart, funny, happy, healthy, and handsome boys in the world. I will forever be grateful for that and realize what a huge blessing that is. What others don't realize is the loss it is and the void I have in my heart. The knowing that someone is missing. It's the worst feeling I have ever felt.

I would never trade my family and our health for absolutely anything. Like I said, I just want to get to a healthy and happy place again. Whatever or wherever that place may be.

A Little "Sack" of "Religion"

2011-05-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

Teagan. Yes, this post is about Teagan. Again.

He is trying to grasp the concept of what the "Holy Ghost" is. Not quite sure why other than we attended two different baptisms two Saturdays in a row. At the first baptism, when he heard it was time for the confirmation, he jumped onto Brian's lap so fast and dug his little fingernails into Brian's neck. Then he says, "The Holy Ghost is coming!"

The next week at the second baptism, he kept saying, "The Holy Ghost doesn't have a body huh?" He still was afraid and insisted on being on our laps. Thank heavens for a little fear to keep him in one place and keep quiet.

During his prayers he has said, "Grateful that Christon got the Holy Ghost." He's beyond his years when it comes to prayers.

Couple days later, he drapes a blanket over his head and shouts, "I am the Holy Ghost." We laughed, of course.

Another couple days later he whispers into my face, "Mom, I am the Holy Ghost....Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cracked up. I said, "The Holy Ghost isn't scary." He replied back with a simple, "Yes he is!"

And last but not least...

While sharing a bag of pretzels with Hayden, he was not pleased by the amount of which Hayden was disbursing them to him. I am sure some thought was put into this one. He says, "I am Jesus Christ, I need to carry it." Well, that is just my boy. Always trying to put himself above others. The Alpha Male and Police Officer. And now, quite a religious leader.

I just love him. So much for trying to teach them correct principles at a young age :)

I get a little bit stronger...

2011-05-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

This song touches me every time I hear it. Sara Evans is the singer. I am going to take the words that don't apply to losing my baby girl out of it...

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Makes me cry just reading it. I feel like I have been put through the ringer. I never thought I could handle a trial like this. Guess what, sometimes you get no choice. Actually, most of the time you don't. One thing I have learned is to endure. All you can do is keep living and get through it. This will always be a huge part of me and who I have become.

One part of me feels like I am the weakest woman alive. I feel like I have been ripped to complete shreds that could never be glued back together again. Another part feels like the strongest woman in the world. Each day yields new challenges for me to defeat. I learn more and more each day and while I still don't understand a whole lot, I have come a LONG way.

No, not a month has gone by between my tears, but it's not as often. Just when you think you are all dried up, the well is filled again.

Having two boys to wake up to everyday is the biggest blessing. I have mentioned the fact that having them has kept me alive and sane. It hasn't been easy to get out of bed and go through a normal routine while feeling anything but normal. You do it for them. It's always about them and that's how I want it.

Many songs remind me of Eden. I am way more sensitive than I used to be.

I know my heart will NEVER be the same. She will always be in it. It's a good thing. Trials such as this alter your whole life.

I am getting along. Some days, that's all it is. Others are more than "getting along." And yes, I do wonder what she feels. Is she okay without me, us? I have no doubt that she probably is. I wish we could all see the broad picture like she can.

Handsome Hurley Dudes

2011-05-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

My cool little dudes in their new shirts from a cool Grandma...

That reminds me of another fun Teagan trait. He finds pure pleasure in calling any old lady with gray hairs, Grandma. Only one of his Grandmas actually has gray hair so its pretty cute. Most women are VERY flattered and just play along.

A Day at the Park

2011-05-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Teagan is my little guy with extremely high volume to his voice. At a baptism of the little girl I used to nanny on Saturday, he became quite a laughing stock of the joint. Believe me, it wasn't the first time a "supposed to be reverent" scene has turned into something much opposite for Teagan. In fact, its a weekly occurrence at church. He is generally singing "I am a child of God" or "Love is Spoken Here" at the top of his lungs or talking loud or shouting "Amen" or saying his own prayer. The list goes on an on. It's a LOT of work. We've received many of compliments to how hilarious he is. It is nice to have some entertainment thrown into the mix every now and again. Saturday's baptism was no different. While sitting on the edge of the bench he starts yelling, "whoa, my butt is falling." When we whispered to him to be quite, his responses went a little like this: "No, I am not going to be good," "Don't talk to me," "Your stupid," and probably a couple more. He also informed us the guy behind us was sleeping after wandering up and down the isle waving and saying "hi" to all who would listen. All of this at a not so quiet volume. I also find it awesome that we have earned to Title of "stupid" at a young age of two. quite an accomplishment I'd say. At the luncheon after he shouts out "that guy has BIG hair!" He was referring to a guy with quite a fro. Oh he keeps us laughing...

This brings us to Sunday. I was burned out and had already fussed once in a week time period over keeping him quiet for a significant amount of time and getting kids dressed up. It was Stake Conference and while I have never seen it as a vacation from church attendance, it certainly was this last Sunday!

We took the kids to a park nearby. We had a blast spending some much needed time with each other and had a fun time snapping shots!

His idea of swinging. He'd much rather do it this way.

My Man.

Brian is just as much of a kid as Hayden and Teagan sometimes. I could not be more thankful. He has NEVER complained about spending time with the boys and is always found on an "adventure," playing outside, at the park, reading or making up stories, playing superheroes, building blocks, shooting hoops, watching a good movie, building forts, drawing cool pictures, etc. I could go on all day. He enjoys every minute spent with his little dudes. Don't know if my boys could have gotten any luckier!

We thought these next two pictures were pretty funny...

Guess who???
All you have to do is look at the finger...

Steve and Brian's bottom.

The beauties on the sidelines.

I did get off my butt and play with the kids later.

He appears to be sulking about something. He is actually playing hide and seek. Just caught him at a funny moment.

King of the World!

Precious

This next series is like a fun flip book. Remember making those?

What a little stud.

I love that my kids hair is so white!

What a good day.

Spring-ish

2011-04-25T14:12:00.001-07:00

Since this "spring" hasn't been extremely warm, we've spent more days "in" than "out." After we lost Eden we took down the whole nursery and set up the playroom. As nice as it has been at times, they don't play in there as often as I would like. Seems they congregate right where I am, or my friends are. I do love them, just need some space every now and again. Or daily :)

This little girl will be doted on and protected the REST OF HER LIFE. It's already an argument between my boys who get's to "marry" her. Hayden insists it be him since she smiles at him more.

I don't know, Teagan pays a WHOLE lot of attention to her. He has been known to "not" be so gentle with some children. However, he is very sweet with Halle. This particular day he was undressing her. She just sat and smiled at him. The joke was that he could at least take her to dinner before :)

We have forced these two to be friends. They are finally getting along a lot better but their relationship has been quite rocky at times. Funny thing is, they have always asked for each other but when they actually get together, the novelty is gone.

Teagan's favorite activity has been blocks. Dreaded blocks. Of course it is the one thing that makes the BIGGEST mess. He is quite good at building. The above picture of course involved some parental help on my part.

Hayden is the most creative boy I have ever met. Watching him play has always provided hours of entertainment. He has such an imagination. He is pretty darn good at building things himself!

Playing dress up. Another fun thing. I told Hayden he needs to learn how to put them on himself. It becomes a tiring game of putting them on, taking them off, and hanging them all back up within a VERY short time period.

Not too unusual. Teagan is definitely the boss of the house!

My Birthday was extended over a week as usual. Just my style. I started it off with a dinner with my family on Friday the first. My mom had just had surgery so we ordered Asian Potato and picked it up as take out. We ate at the house. Very delicious. My friends Megan got married on Saturday so we went to that. What a cute couple they make. Sunday we had dinner with my family at their house again. Monday was my actual birthday. Brian had tried to plan a big surprise party for me but that didn't end up working out. We left the kids with the Gardners while we went to Olive Garden to eat. The theaters were having quite a dry spell for movies so we bought some ice cream from marble slab (not a great idea) and had cake and ice cream with the kids and Gardners. Since I got pregnant with Teagan I have been slightly intolerant to milk in large quantities. It sucks. I also opened some perfect birthday gifts...

Usually how you find these two when they are together. He absolutely adores "Hawwie."She may hate me for posting this picture but she can't stay mad at me. She simply couldn't spend a day without me :)

Kacey always makes sure my birthday is perfect. She made sure I had a cake on my actual Birthday that I didn't have to bake.

My actual birthday ended with Hayden SOBBING on my belly. He misses his sister. I have really tried my best to sit down with him and explain what happened to her, where she is, how small she was, and all kinds of things he has questions about. As smart as he is, it's still confusing. I know I would be. One morning I am pregnant, the next I am not pregnant and have no baby. He said he just wanted to be able to feed her a bottle and he doesn't understand why Kacey could get her baby but we couldn't have ours. So sad. He wants a sister SO badly. Recently while waiting in a parking lot of Zupas for some friends, a mom and her little girl walked by. Hayden mentioned how cute she was and that he wanted us to have a little girl. He went on to tell me, "You don't just get any baby, Heavenly Father has to pick it for you." I guess that IS how it works :) Teagan said, "You want a gwill Hayden."

Teagan asked why he was so sad that night and when he told him why, his reply was, "Well, I don't miss the baby." So sweet right?

Anyways...the following Friday we went out with friends to Training Table and then some of the gals + Sean, went out to a movie. We saw Source Code. Not my romantic comedy but it was interesting anyways. Not to mention VERY confusing!

Easter was fun filled and busy. The festivities started with dying eggs at my parents house the Sunday before. The uncles sure know how to bust out the creativity.

I hosted a lunch bunch on Wednesday. This is my "creativity" as far as the food was concerned. Notice the cute caterpillar/worm rice crispy treats I saw in a magazine. These peeps were my favorite treat this year. Mmmm!

That Wednesday night we took the kids to see "Measter Bunny" as Teagan would like to refer to him.

Teagan could not have been more thrilled that the bunny COULDN'T talk. He's still talking about him.

The next Friday night we dyed eggs with friends. That night was cRaZy! Fun though.

Gavin basically dyed everything BUT eggs :)

Rosie was very meticulous with her mad marker skills.

I just LOVE this picture! Gavin loves Brian.

Jaqueline got her nose dyed.

On Saturday, South Jordan hosted an Easter Egg Hunt. My parents and Trevor and Heather joined us for a wild dash for a few pieces of candy and cheap party favors.

Hayden waiting for the whistle. He actually got a pretty good spot.

Teags being skeptical of the "eagle" dressed up there. For being such a tough guy he sure hates dressed up characters.

Clinging on to Papa

Fun Cousin picture. Teagan insists on placing his hand on babies heads.

Later on Saturday we went to my little nephews birthday party. One year goes by faster than you ever think when you have little babes. It's a mystery to me. He is super cute.

This is my nephew Steve. We are the same age. Strange huh? Anyways, I LOVED this picture. I thought it was so sweet.

Jaxon acted SO much like Hayden did on his first birthday. A bit overwhelmed and wouldn't touch the cake! Jaxon had a lot less tears than my little man did though.

Because I wasn't the designated photographer, I actually made an appearance!

Blair is quite a little photo fanatic as well. I do love her!

I look deep in thought. Really...I wasn't.

Sunday morning was another difficult one. While getting ready I had a quick little vision of my little girl sitting on the counter watching me get ready for church. I went through the motions at church again and had to leave during a hymn. There was a REALLY good talk about trials. There have been several of them since losing Eden that have really stuck out. This lady talked about losing her 31 year old son 7 years ago. He left behind a wife and 4 small children. She mentioned it being the worst day of her life. I can relate. The nightmare of Eden's delivery day plays through my head daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. This lady had a quote that was really inspiring. "Your future is only as bright as your faith." I have really struggled with the future and how it will all play out. I do believe that it is up to you to make it what you want...sometimes. Crap happens to good people. I guess you just have to put your trust in Heavenly Father. Believe me, still working on that.

She also talked about the whole "not waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain." Let's not talk about my coordination issues in the dance department. Rather, I am talking about my trial I am forced to face right now. I never want to waste time that I have with my boys while they are young. It's been the hardest balancing act trying to care for kids, deal with sadness and anger, support my husband, and keep up with house, and callings, AND everything else. I have really been in the "do it for the kids" mode. Right now it works, but I know they can tell my true emotions and it won't work forever. I want to get to a place where I am okay with what's in store for me. Me, Robyn. All while hoping for good things to come. I have also felt very undeserving for anything great. These two attitudes contradict each other. I am still unsure about how to handle all of THIS.

Back to Easter...

After church we took part in "awkward family photos" as we tried to pose kids for a picture in our matching attire. Then it was the Gardners turn. Oh how fun two year olds can be. Four year olds as well :) Ah heck, if your not photogenic, your not photogenic...

The boys' baskets.

The only thing Hayden cared about in his basket.

The only thing Teagan cared about...candy. So much for stressin'

My parents had dinner and an egg hunt. We all got baskets with new shirts, candy, and something fun for the kids. Thanks Mom and Dad.

I remember as a kid my parents really tried to instill in us the true meaning of Holidays but especially this one. I still remember me and all my brothers being gathered in our parents room and finding out the real truth behind the floppy eared creature that makes my unbreakable two year old literally tremble. I completely enjoy the commercial part of Holidays but it's NOT what it's about. Makes me sad to see those who only care about the commercial part.

Well, this is what we've been up to...basically. With a whole lot of other stuff mixed between.

One Loaded Personality!

2011-03-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

Teagan has been one thrill after another. He is SO full of personality. He is the most affectionate, passionate, loud, intelligent, and energetic boy. I can not believe how much emotion he throws into our household. I am often feeling guilty for not jotting down EVERYTHING he says and does. I feel like sometimes my whole experience with losing my baby has taken over and has shoved aside the things I feel are important such as documenting important events and such. UGH! Anyways...today has been full of fun with Teagan. Here is a breakdown of events.

Event One:

As Hayden is watching "Little Rascals,"(Teagan usually is playing busily and tunes in every once and again to a movie) Teagan picks up on ONE phrase. What is it you ask? Of ALL things..."LOSERS SUCK!"

...Awesome, I know.

Event Two:

As I am getting ready for the day, the boys are building with blocks in the playroom. I had turned the radio on downstairs just a few minutes before. I heard Teagans famous and VERY loved song "Dynamite" come on. Teagan is driven by adrenaline and this song sure does it for him. I stop and intently listen to his reaction. Sure enough, I hear a CRASH of the blocks as he chucked everything and heard him running downstairs while shouting, "Where's my ball!" Next thing I know, he is shooting hoops and asking for me to turn UP the music. Man after my own heart-loud music :)

Event Three:

After being disciplined several times for abusing what I refer to as his friends, he is finally fed up with this arranged playdate. He asks for his binky and is soon missing. I go upstairs to find him and call out his name. To this he responds, "I'm right here!" I hear his little voice coming from his room. I look into his bed (currently a pack n play) and find him with his blanket, teddy bear, and binky. He had shut the door and was ready for a nap :) but I had just prepared lunch. I was just laughing and wondering how in the world he got there. I asked Hayden if he had lifted him into there and he told me he hadn't. I went downstairs to tell my friends and see if maybe Kacey had put him there. Nobody had. As I put Teagan down at his little table with his buddy Gavin to eat lunch, he leans over to Gavin and says, "I got in dere myself." It was so funny to hear him tell his friend what we were all wondering. I asked him to show me how he got in and he was very willing to show me again...several times!

Event Four:

After lunch, he rips the cushion off of a chair down in our living room and places another chair on top of that one. He plants himself right on it. Busted out the camera for that one!

This is a typical day at our house and this is just a small list of things he does and says. I have a hard time keeping up with this one!

"How do I feel?"

2011-01-23T18:23:00.000-08:00

I started this blog post over 3 months ago. I have found very little motivation to do anything. Also, it's all over the place so I feel like it's a rotten post. But, it is a lot of my feelings. Don't feel any obligation to read. In fact, this post may be changed from time to time.

Back to the title...It's a loaded question.

Lots of people ask, but also, I ask myself this constantly too.

I don't even know where to begin with this. I have more emotions running through my head than ever before.

I read a quote in a book that basically summed it all up for me:

"How many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating."

As a mom, there is ONE thing you never mess with and that is her children! I have now been pregnant FIVE times and have two kids. They are perfect and I would NEVER trade them for anything. But I have never felt so alone and empty inside. I never got the chance to protect my little gal.

I have been through every stage of grief and then back again. It is a complete circle that repeats itself over and over.

When we first lost Eden, I was obviously completely devastated but in a great deal of shock. It was Christmas time and lots of distractions. While I was still sad and crying a great amount, it was still so unreal. Since then, I have had complete anger, denial, depression, partial acceptance at times, and then gone back to another. It's hard to pinpoint certain instances that will trigger one of the emotions and easy to pinpoint others.

I have felt like the girl I have wanted for so long was just ripped away from me. I never got to say hello, or dress her up. I never got to hug her or kiss her. I could relate it to having something or someone within arms reach while falling off a cliff. You almost have it and then it's gone, gone for good.

I am confused. I am confused about where she is, why this happened, and what the future holds for not only us, but for her. Everyone has their own ideas and opinions and freely shares them whether its wanted or not. While I don't necessarily think everyone is wrong, I have learned it is different for everyone and everyone must search it out for themselves.

Now, I don't love to share religious stuff often, but this experience could not go without some kind of spiritual relevance. I have always been known for my bluntness, honesty, and not holding back. Some appreciate this while others do not.

The night of my delivery felt very different. While there was so much sadness, their came a great joy from seeing the miracle of life and death. Of the human body and purpose. I knew where Eden had come from and returned back to in just a short amount of time. When I looked and held her sweet little body, I couldn't help but think it was an imperfect body and that someday, her spirit would come to me in a perfect body. That is truly all I wanted or could hope for.

During the Holidays I was able to feel some peace in the plan Heavenly Father has for each of us. My thoughts started to take a turn as I started feeling extremely manipulated into being "good." Now I know it may seem easy to judge, but until you have lost a child, don't. In getting to know other moms who have experienced this, they all feel the same. I felt that the only way I would ever get to see and raise my beautiful girl was if I "passed" the test here on earth. I felt tricked into it all.

I had struggled before this experience to see those who had left the church after experiencing a tragedy. I wondered how you could leave something you knew and felt to be true. I quickly felt humbled. I had NOTHING left in me to give a single soul. Church became a chore and lacked a lot of emotion. I have never been of the attitude, "you give me something first and then I will do something for you." I have just felt beaten into the ground. I feel like every time I have any urge to get back up, I get beaten fiercely back down before given the chance.

I realize now, that I never knew what true depression felt like. I have no interest in activities I once enjoyed. I would love to stay in bed, I have eaten myself sick with peppermint patties (gained all weight back), had high stress and anxiety, and many other pleasurable symptoms. It has not helped a lick that I have not been able to get pregnant again.

Now, I don't want to be a negative person. I have spent numerous amount of time trying to look at the positive. I just see so much sadness around and I am literally worn to pieces trying to find some good things happening right now. I will say that the one blessing I see everyday which is pretty significant is my little family. Brian, Hayden, and Teagan. Everyday that I wake up and have them alive and happy, and healthy. I couldn't be more grateful. If that's what I get out of life, I'll take it. They give me a reason to live. If it weren't for my two boys, I wouldn't want to be here.

I have somewhat felt numb for quite some time. I have to or else I would fall to pieces all the time. I still can't listen to church hymns and certainly can't sing them. I sit and have to distract myself. In most cases, this is how I get by in public circumstances. As my due date approaches and I watch EVERYONE I was pregnant with bring their sweet babies home, emotions are really high again. Losing Eden is part of my life story. It will forever affect certain aspects of how I feel, how I think, and what I do. Time does heal, but it will never change what happened.

Postpartum Checkup

2011-01-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

I had my 4 week postpartum visit on Friday. It was harder than I had anticipated. When the whole incident first happened, I thought it would be impossible. As time went by, I thought it wouldn't be so bad.

After parking far from the Women's Center (as if parking isn't bad enough at IMC-there had to be some heart convention going on that same day) I made my way to where I needed to be.

First I had to go make a visit to the business office to discuss my new insurance plan that actually kicked in a week after I delivered Eden. I talked to them about what had happened, what was going on with insurance, and who to talk to about options for our outrageous bill. After having to talk to three different people, I finally was sent back out to the waiting room. Well, there I sat with other women who were there for their 6 week postpartum visits-baby in hand. I sat just feet away from the exact chair I had sat in just 4 weeks earlier awaiting the future of my baby girl. I stared out the window, the same ugly gray lit the sky. There I waited...and waited...and WAITED! I was alone and couldn't keep my mind distracted. I looked around for a magazine. December dates and Christmas themed stuff covered most of front pages. Ugh, December. Just the sound of it made me sick. I sat back and choked back tears for what seemed like forever. Finally I get called back.

I just cringed hoping the cute little aid knew what had happened so as to not do the normal routine and have to awkwardly explain the situation-yet again. My perfect nurse Syndee asks how I was doing. I just responded with an easy, "alright." She looked at me, "Really, be honest, it's hard coming back to the office. "Yes, I said, it is. It really sucks." Still I had to keep my mind off of the purpose I was there for.

After a quick blood pressure check-who gives what it is, I was shoved into my room to sit on crisp, crackling, white parchment paper while half nude. I thought, "really, how insulting at this point!" As if my waiting wasn't long enough, he finally pokes his head in. First he apologizes for his cold. I've had one since I was a couple months pregnant so this could not concern me in the least. Then he tells me he is off to deliver a baby. Awesome. He was sweet enough to offer me water or a diet coke. While I would have loved the second, I told him I had water and should be fine. Lie. I had spent some of my time prior just texting but now my phone kept chiming it's low battery beep at me every couple minutes. Great, a dead phone. Luckily I had brought a good read. I sat with that ugly plastic sided rough napkin draped over me. Those are laughable anyways. They have seen it all anyways. As if this thing is going to save you any kind of dignity. Now, while I am not a private person, I would seem much more ridiculous sitting there without it.

He FINALLY comes in and explains how stubborn the baby he just delivered was, facing upward instead of down. I wasn't really in any mood to hear about the birth of a baby at this point but it was nothing against my Doctor. I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is amazing. We talked a lot about insurance, next pregnancy, etc. I explained the timing of what happened and the whole insurance issue. I explained to him the bills we had received. I asked him if there was anything I could do to get any of it taken care of. I told him we weren't even in the hospital for 24 hours. He asked how much our bill was. I told him we were at $4500. Money we don't have lying around. That's a whole other stress in itself. He asked if I had been billed from them yet. I said yes, but that it was his partner that had to deliver the baby. He told me to hold on and disappeared out the door for a few minutes.

When he came back in, he said the total from them was now $0. I was so grateful and so extremely relieved. I apologized and he immediately turned and said, "Robyn, Robyn, Robyn...no no no no no!" He told me that he obviously couldn't do anything about the hospitals portion but he could do something about his. He seriously is the best.

I would not expect to get off like this if I had had a different end result. I feel like I went to the grocery store, racked up an extremely high bill, but walked out of the store with nothing. If anything, a huge empty space I would try to fill for who knows how long.

He said that physically, everything was looking good. I told him we would really like to have a baby before the end of the year. While there are two major reasons for this, I told him again about the insurance. He told me to only wait one cycle instead of two. Apparently, that is still 2 periods??? Believe me, it took several times to get it straight. It was honestly not a relief seeing that I was under the impression two cycles was two periods. Well, he thought he was being generous and it's the thought that counts, right? He did say the sky wouldn't fall down if it happened before then. While I really hoped I would just be miraculously pregnant, I am not. I also am not sure if I am emotionally ready. May give it time.

After a couple hours, I was finally done.

Songs

2011-01-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

Life has been pretty "silent." After everything happened on December 23rd, I stopped doing things I typically enjoy. One for instance, was listening to music. Music is so powerful to me and I knew that listening to the radio or any kind f music would hurt me to much or later on it would remind me of what happened.

My kids however, have fallen in love with "A Winter's Song." They request it every time we are driving. It is repeated over and over. Luckily, it's a good song. So, after the incident, Brian and I couldn't even turn on the radio, but occasionally, if the kids were in the car, this had to be played. I tried to tune it out like most things right now, but when I did listen to the words, of course I cried.

"A Winters Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms.

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Brian was the first to turn on the radio at one point and when it was on, it was a station neither of us really listen to. I thought, "great, doesn't remind me of anything and it's "hard" enough to not bring to much emotion."

When we took our little road trip down to St. George, we did so in quiet. The kids watched their DVD's but it was the first time ever I was not dying to have a favorite CD, ipod, or station playing.

Like I said, silence. While it can be nice at times, sometimes THAT kills me. Nothing feels quite right still.

After a couple weeks, I have started to be able to turn on the radio in the car occasionally. When a song by Taylor Swift came on, I teared up again. While it doesn't completely pertain to me or my situation, I do look back at December in a different way.

"Back To December" by Taylor Swift

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

I kind of think of these songs as "my girls"

Our Baby Eden

2011-01-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

I will start off this new blogging year with what has consumed my every thought and action for the past two weeks now...

This is my journal entry written just a few days after we delivered our stillborn baby girl. I wrote this while it was still fresh so that I wouldn't forget any details.

My Sweet baby girl Eden

"Brian and I made the decision to get pregnant back in August. Brian had been wanting another baby so bad for a couple months. I had wanted to space numbers 2 and 3 out a little more. But, when it’s time, it’s time. I had felt like something or someone was missing from out family. Like when I was taking care of Hayden and Teagan, I would look around for that "someone else."

I was sitting in a sacrament meeting one particular Sunday before I had found out I was pregnant. It was a baby blessing of a little girl in our ward. I had a strong spiritual experience where a voice entered my head and told me I was pregnant, and she was a girl. I don't have these experiences often. That was it. I didn’t try and dwell on it too much after that.

I took a pregnancy test about a week after and found out that I was indeed pregnant. I was so excited and a bit nervous knowing we didn’t have health insurance. I knew we would find a way and all would be okay.

Because of my history with miscarriage, I was put on Progesterone like I had been on with Teagan. I started feeling really sick around 6 weeks. This seemed all normal since I had had the similar thing happen with Teagan. Only, his lasted 2 short weeks and this time, it kept on going. I had a couple weeks I could not physically stand up straight. It was difficult to do a normal task and take care of my kids. Since I had decided not to tell anyone of the pregnancy until we knew the gender, I was faced with the fact I would do most of this alone. I did tell my friend and neighbor who I am very close with so that she could help me out and she did.

I had been so nervous throughout Teagan’s pregnancy given the circumstances I had faced, but with this pregnancy I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I had the impression that everything would be okay. This helped calm my nerves.

One night, I had a dream about Brian’s Dad that was really neat. I felt his presence often after that and knew he was caring for all of our future children including the one I was currently carrying.

I started feeling a little better around 12 or 13 weeks. Not completely, but mostly. I was anxious to spread the news and to know what the sweet baby was that was growing inside me. We went to Fetal Foto around 13 ½ weeks and saw that we would be adding a precious little princess to our family. I couldn’t have been more excited. I had my first impression confirmed true. I felt very close to the spirit and ecstatic to raise a daughter.

The weeks that followed were a bit more interesting. As we shared the news, it was so fun and exciting. Everyone was amazed at the secret I had kept. I was amazed that my physical stature had not given it away earlier. I was gaining way less weight than with my boys who I had gained at least 10 pounds by the time I even tested positive. It still all seemed unreal. I of course made a few small purchases since I had never been able to shop for a girl. I found the bedding I wanted, and had started planning out the room situation.

I still had a hard time “feeling” pregnant. Although I was still neauseous and extremely tired, I didn’t feel like I was growing enough. Clothing became tight, but again, nothing like my boys.

I remember mentioning to my mom once that every time I bought her something, I thought, this will never fit her no matter how tiny it is. She is so small. I guess maybe I never pictured her a normal size infant.

I also had about 2-3 dreams that I started bleeding and lost the baby. I would wake up horrified and afraid. I kept thinking it was due to the fear I had about losing her and my past experiences. I had a glimpse of hope seeing that I had seen her, heard her heartbeat and was almost halfway there. And although she wasn’t very active, I thought I had started to feel her move.

On the night of the 21st of December, as we were driving home, I looked over at Brian and told him I felt weird. I felt like something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t know what was wrong but I wondered if it was because my kids were coming down with something and Brian was trying to make a job decision. Also, our car started to make a strange noise and I was worried about finding a way to pay for repairs. We went home and were getting excited for all the time off Brian had with us. I envisioned in my head what we would do the next couple days to bring in the Holiday and celebrate together. I had been preparing and looking forward to this Christmas for a long time.

The next morning we woke up and started to plan the day. Around 9:30 or so, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I started to panic and told Brian to get the kids ready to go and in the car. Seeing that it would take too much time and kids weren’t extremely happy already, we decided it was best for me to just go. I headed out and called my mom. I started to cry and told her I was coming to get her. I had already tried to get a hold of the Dr, but only could leave a message. My nurse tried calling back while on the phone with my mom. I hurried and called her back. By this time, I had my mom in the car with me. Syndee told me I had an appointment at 12:10. The clock said about 9:46. I had too much anxiety to turn around and go sit at home for 2 hours. My nurse told me I could come in and get my Rogham shot and then wait. I voted for that option so we kept on driving.

We got there and went straight to the lab to get my blood work done. When that was over with, we went into the office to wait for the longest 1 ½ hours of my life. In the meantime, I kept having to go to the bathroom. I had the same experience when I miscarried the first time but tried to chalk it up to nerves.

Several scenarios rushed through my head as I sat there with my mom. What I so badly wanted to happen was for them to tell me where the bleeding was coming from, the baby was fine, and to either go home and take it easy, or everything would be okay.

When we were finally called back, the whole day turned around. First, the technician found a pocket of fluid around the placenta that she said the bleeding was coming from. I was so relieved for a split second. As she moved down further to see the baby, I couldn’t even look. I didn’t see any movement or heartbeat. The technician confirmed she was gone and I was completely shocked and devastated. She also showed me the adema around her head and the measurement that indicated she had probably been gone for a couple weeks. I went to the bathroom and just lost it. When I got out, I was escorted to my Doctor’s office. Syndee met me in the hall and just hugged me while I cried. She came in and talked to my mom and I for a while. We called my Dad and Brian and I texted Kacey and let her know as well. I honestly didn’t know what to do at this point. I was lost and confused. Doctor Terry came in a talked to me as well and shared his experience with a stillborn at 7 months. He is a very spiritual guy and after this experience, I know I was supposed to have him as my Doctor for a reason. I remember Syndee offering to have Doctor Terry help administer a blessing with my Dad when he arrived. We decided to wait and meet Brian at my parents. We talked about my options to deliver our baby girl. We chose to deliver as soon as possible. I couldn’t live with the fact she would sit in me, lifeless, for several days.

I went to my parents and had a priesthood blessing from my Dad, Brian, and Jon. I can’t express how much these blessings mean to me and how Grateful I am for a worthy Father, Husband, Brothers, and Friends who are able to administer these sacred blessings. Heather, Lorilee, and Trevor visited me there later.

We were scheduled to go in to Labor and Delivery at 6 that night. I had been told it could take several days sometimes and I was so nervous to be there over Christmas Day. I just wanted my boys to be able to have an enjoyable Christmas. At this point, I didn’t care for myself. I knew this year would be a “going through the motions” for myself.

We went in that night and immediately were put into a room and started the process. I had asked if they would do another ultrasound to make sure that there was nothing there. I still had a glimpse of hope a miracle could happen. It was confirmed again, that no heartbeat was to be found.

I had Brian there with me at first and then Kacey came. She had helped watch the boys most of the day and packed me a hospital bag. I can’t express what she means to me right now. My parents at this point were watching the boys but brought Teagan with them to the hospital. He was so sweet. He really knew I needed his love. I so badly just wanted to hold both my baby boys and never let go. My grandparents and Brian’s sister Mel came for a visit. It was so nice to be surrounded by those I love.

I was given the pills every 4 hours. At one point, my parents went to get kids in bed and would return when I was closer to delivery. I kept getting feverish and grew more and more uncomfortable with pressure. Dr. Barton was the on call Doctor that night. He wasn’t Dr. Terry, but he was nice. We called my parents when I was already dilated to about a 3 ½. The nurse said it didn’t take much and could happen anytime. I opted to not have any pain medication or epideral. I wanted to have the full experience, it wasn’t too unbearable, and I knew we would be paying out of pocket for everything.

The doctor kept checking and said she was trying to come through but the cervix wasn’t softening up much. He said he didn’t want to pull on anything since she was still so soft and fragile.

I kept dreading the fact I was about to experience labor and lots of physical pain and effort to get out a body without a little spirit. I felt like this work would have no reward.

I was so nervous for this to all be over. I was nervous to see my little girl in a form I had never expected to see her in. I was sad that I would no longer be pregnant in just minutes and have no baby to take home with me. All my hopes for our daughter were gone in just an instant.

Around 3 in the morning, I knew she had come all the way. She was right there and ready.

At 3:13, December 23rd, she arrived in full tact still in the sac. It was amazing to see. The placenta came out with it too which was a small blessing. I had been told there was a chance of a d&c if it hadn’t.

He had to remove her from the sac so we could see her and hold her. I asked Brian if he would please hold her first. I had to know it was okay. She was handed to Brian first on a little blanket. When I was ready to see her, She was handed to me. It was one of the hardest things I had to see. I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. I am so glad I did. It was absolutely miraculous to see her little body. All the parts, just so tiny and slightly incomplete. I remember her skin was still translucent. I could tell she was our little girl. I looked at her precious little feet and hands. So cute. Her head was a little deflated and the hardest thing for me to look at. My mom says she thinks she would have had Teagan’s nose. I couldn’t really tell. I remember her little stomach. I thought her mouth was open but not sure about that either. The little cord was wrapped around her neck which was so heartbreaking to see. I think the Doctor had tried to move it but it was so fragile. She was so fragile. I remember holding her in my hand, feeling her weight. She looked sweet.

I remember the thought crossing my mind that this was a little body that couldn’t make it right now. Just one of those hard things in life. I was so devastated. I remember thinking this is not what I had pictured, I didn’t want to be there, and it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. It was so hard.

She was passed between Myself, Brian, Kacey, and my Parents.

I remember how peaceful the night seemed. It was dark, but cozy in my room. I hated looking across the street and seeing the location of Fetal Foto where I had just seen her lively body moving inside me just weeks before.

We admired her for a bit and then had the nurse come get her when we were ready. It was hard knowing that was the last time physically being able to see her, or maybe just that little body.

I was transferred to a room in the main tower. They thought it would be easier for me. I am not sure it was the best idea.

We had more visitors. Heather again, Kacey, Liana, and Mel and Blair. I received some really pretty flowers from a group of friends. Heather was so sweet to bring me flowers and a decent breakfast. I was amazed by her love and support as well. I have been amazed to see who comes forth in a time like this. I am deeply touched.

I headed home in between 1 and 2. I was anxious to get home, see my boys, and get some Christmas prep done. I was anxious to meet with a friend Traci, who had a similar experience.

At this point, I would like to believe she will come to us again and get a more perfected body. While in the shower, I had a little voice enter my head on Christmas Eve say, “Mommy, I am coming.” I want so badly right now to believe it was her and that it will happen. I still am not sure what to feel and think right now. I am trying to let everything process.

My Dad is probably my main comfort. He is always there and always knows the right things to say. I love him. I know he has inspiration for me. I believe the words he tells me. He also had a spiritual experience happen to him the night before the delivery. He was told not to take this baby for granted as he comforted his Boss who’s daughter had just lost her baby at about the same point as me. He had that same voice come to him the morning all of this unraveled. How close he is to the spirit."

The days that have followed have been unreal. I can't even explain the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, and all other emotions that I am experiencing right now. I honestly feel numb and completely drained emotionally and physically.

Nothing feels right and everything feels strange, uncomfortable, and not normal.

I have so many thoughts going through my head but will save those for another post. I do want to tremendously thank all who have been praying for us. I want you to know that I feel it. I often wonder how I am being sustained and I feel the prayers, the love, and the support. Thank you!

Quick Catch Up

2011-01-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

My intentions were to get caught up, and stay caught up.

My thinking has changed a bit. While there was quite a bit that has happened between now and August (last time I updated), I want to start moving forward. I need a place to write down some thoughts and feelings. Here is a quick recap of the most important things from the 4 months I missed that we want to remember...

October:

Brian turned 29:

Halloween:

It was fun and very rainy.
Hayden and Teagan were the cutest superhero buddies ever!

November:

Teagan turned 2!
He is so much fun. While he has been a little tough at times, he has brought so much fun and laughter into our home. He is so full of personality and attitude. He says about everything and has the memory and comprehension skills unlike anything I have ever seen. We love him tons. At his 2 year old check up he was the "chunkiest" he has been since he was 9 month old. He weighed about 26 pounds and is super tall, of course.

We had tons of fun doing other various activities but this is what I remember most. Maybe when there is more motivation, I will fill in some blanks later.

The old school tech deck!

2010-08-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

You heard me right. Remember those things? Well, Teagan dug one out of the toys at my parents and knew just what to do with it. Well, he thought...

You can catch a glimpse of it under his bottom.

He was trying so hard to sit on it. After all, it always works on Daddy's skateboard.

Trying something different.

Settled for the real way of riding a skateboard. Maybe just not the right size buddy!

Lets just say I was busting a gut watching this!

A day in the life...

2010-08-25T07:48:00.001-07:00

You know it's been one of those days when you look at a vacuum and see layers upon layers of different items! Glad that day was awhile ago :)

New Little Buddy

2010-08-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

Although little Carter was Due on Hayden's Birthday, he didn't see the need to come on time. He is just like his Daddy! Heather started the process on Thursday the 10th and had Carter on Friday the 11th! We were all so excited to meet this little guy and I am very grateful I was able to witness the whole experience!

He sure is a cute little guy!

5 Year Anniversary

2010-08-25T07:09:00.001-07:00

Remember last year I was hoping for something special for year number 5? Yeah...that didn't happen. Brian scheduled himself to work that night. Brilliant, I know! It wasn't completely intentional. We didn't have much of anything planned so we offered to watch my cousin's kids. We packed up all kiddos, and Kacey, and headed to the pool. We have spent many days there, but only took the camera this once. I don't particularly love lugging the thing around and worrying about it the whole time.

Hayden really enjoys playing with Brinley and Isaac so he had a blast. It was fun to spend the day together and just play. I think we celebrated the whole Anniversary thing that weekend. We will hope to do better next year..or year 10...or year 25...who knows! I love my man anyways!

What a disappointment!

2010-08-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

I was severely disappointed to read this on the box of the Ninja Turtle Van that Hayden got for his Birthday...

Guns don't really shoot! Seriously!

Seats 6 comfortable, Phew!

Kind of random, but Hilarious!

Family Party, Superhero Birthday Bash, and Canyon Party

2010-07-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

I think Birthday's are a big deal. I love celebrating and it's a great reason to get together. With a small house and lots of people to involve, we break things up a bit. The night before his actual Birthday we met my family and Brian's mom over at Mountain Mikes for some pizza. Hayden loves cheese pizza because the Ninja Turtles eat it. Afterwards, everyone came to our house for some chocolate Dunford donuts and gift opening.

At this point, he is pretending to eat for the picture. He is still a very "light" eater.

How cool is this. It is the Ninja Turtle Van. Not easy to come by. Thanks Trevor and Heather!

This gift was saved from Christmas from my parents cause we all thought he was getting too much. Well, his Birthday wasn't much different. He loved it!

Can't ever get enough of this!

He kept asking for sketchers. I am pretty sure he saw a commercial. He still believes these ones light up when he jumps really hard. Luckily, he believes they do and luckily, my mom knows I don't allow those shoes!

He's real excited about this one...

Favorite Present. Still plays with it daily. It is a "Batcave."

Blurry, but cute. Loves himself a box!

Again, thank heavens for Uncles! I love them too!

For the big #4, we decided on a superhero themed party because that is the new craze around here. I love that boys just naturally love this stuff! It was so much fun. We invited his neighbor friends and of course, his buddy Cooper. Here are some pictures from the day

My brother Jeremy is super talented. He drew some villains for the boys to throw grenade water balloons at!

Playing "pass the krytonite"

Brian worked during the day so I enlisted some help! I seriously could NOT have done it without Mary, Kacey, and Steve! It really does take a village!

Super Teagan checking things out.

That throw went the wrong direction...

Super Steve, he really is a hero around here. He comes to the rescue if Brian is unavailable.

Coops has a hard time sharing his buddy Hayden. So cute! They have always been very protective and possessive.

One kid didn't show up which worked out great for Rosie. I so wish I had made her a pink cape!

I'm no Betty Crocker, but this is my masterpiece...

These two can cause more shenanigans than anyone I know! They are cute little stinkers!

Wonder what he wished for...seriously, I do wonder!

Getting a birthday kiss from his "future wife." This is not an arranged marriage. We maybe jokingly said it once, but he came up with this on his own. You cannot convince this kid there are other fish in the sea. If you even joke about him marrying someone else, he will tell you he is marrying ROSIE! Very loyal man already!

This crime scene is quite frequent. First, you find some pants and then you find...The pants-less child. He loves attention!
Very fitting outfit for the occasion.
We did a little white trash party-after party! Babies-nude, Coop and Hayd-underoos!

Later that evening, we wanted to see some other friends of ours so we headed up the canyon. Brian's work was a disaster and he wasn't going to be able to join us after all. He got things arranged FINALLY and he came with us. I am telling you, we need a new career path!

BarkersThe Yergensens and Kacey

He opened our gifts to him up there.

Group shot.

The SomersClara, Benjamin, Gavin, Me, and Hayden-a goofy Hayden.
The Campbells and Steve. The Campbells live right next door to us on the north side. I am so glad they are nice and mellow. They may not feel the same about us. I hope our walls are soundproof and that the windows aren't too see-through! Haha, sorry!

He really NEEDS a sister. He WANTS one too!

I hope you had a Happy Birthday Hayden!

Hayden Turns 4!

2010-07-18T09:53:00.001-07:00

That's right, you heard it right, 4!!! These even numbers just about kill me. It was no big deal when he was born or turning one but 2...that was a different story. It felt so weird to have a 2 year old. He was no longer a baby! Age three rolled around, no biggie, he was still a toddler. Well, his fourth birthday rolled around and I just wanted to cry! He is a kid now, a kid! I have LOVED the past 4 years as a mom. He is so much fun. He is a dream child. He has become quite famous around the valley for his quotes and stories. Always keeps me laughing!

Hayden at age four weighed 36.2 pounds and was 41.7 inches tall! He was quite nervous for his Doctors visit because the numerous ones he has been to for Teagan with me. He did so good though. As always, he is still a smart little guy and shows more ambition to learn more and more than any kid I have ever met. He knows all the letters and their sounds. He can write all the letters and some names and words. He can read short words and is counting higher and higher everyday.

I could watch Hayden play all day. He can and will play with anything you hand to him. He is the most creative boy around. His superhero action figures are his favorite thing to play. He is constantly mimicking things I say in his pretend play. Many of times a ninja turtle or Spiderman has paid their time in time-out!

He loves movies. Great, I know! He has an amazing attention span and has ever since he was a little guy. More than we can say for his brother.

He still enjoys an occasional good read but his favorite thing to do it make up stories. We all take turns coming up with a new story. He loves his made up character Drackin Nackin. He is a Dragon we made up. Drackin Nackin and his owner/friend Jack have many adventures together. He also enjoys scary bear stories thanks to his Papa.

Hayden has some imaginary friends. Their names are Gru and Puap. He came up with them all on his own. According to him, they are about an inch tall and they come most places with us. They are usually found doing the things I have told Hayden are inappropriate or wrong. They say naughty words quite often :)

Hayden and Teagan get along sometimes but Hayden is obviously the more sensitive one. If Hayden is found hurt and crying, Teagan will go claw him and make sure the tears keep streaming down. So sad! Hayden also likes to follow Teagan and copy the things he says and does. Interesting? I think so.

Hayden really, really wants me to have another baby. He insists that it needs to be a girl. He wants to cuddle her. Didn't get the teddy bear he was hoping for in Teagan. Although, Teagan can be quite affectionate. I think he will be very upset if the next babe is a male. Hayden loves his "lists" and has made a few with baby girl names. None of which are very flattering.

His best friends are still Cooper and Max. He makes friends very easily and is really starting to be more outgoing. He also loves playing with his Uncles, Dad, Grandma and Papa! He enlists me to play superheroes daily as well. Hayden and his cousin Rachel have become inseparable at family functions.

He loves going to Primary and I have been told he is very attentive and involved.

He is still a picky eater. He loves to tell us that "I loved that when I was a baby," and "I'll eat that when I get bigger." For now, apparently those things just aren't good enough for him. His diet usually consists of mac & cheese, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, waffles, pop tarts, cereal, chocolate milk, cucumbers, cheese, chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, quesadillas, turkey, grapes, apples, oranges, bread, pasta, corn dogs & hot dogs. He is becoming a little braver when it comes to trying new things. It's a bit of a rule to try something new at Sunday dinner. This kid loves Sprite too!

Hayden still wants to be carried everywhere. We have quite a few power struggles around here lately.

Great Sleeper still. Can fall asleep lots of places, sleeps through lots of commotion, and will sleep a long time. Unless he has leg aches, which happen often. Poor guy!

We love our Hayden! Here is to another fun year with our little man!

Memorial Day Weekend 2010

2010-07-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember we have gone to the good old state of Idaho for Memorial Day Weekend. We have relatives up there. They are 6 feet under. Sounds exciting huh? Well, somehow the trip is a fun tradition shared with my Mom's side of the family. We haven't been for a few years and everyone was just itching to get back up to Pocatello. My mom planned a little over-nighter up there. We left of Sunday morning. Brian was just going to drive up for the day but ended up staying with us and leaving at 5 in the morning to get to work on time. Jobs...just can't get enough of them!

Here are some pictures of the infamous trip...

My sweet little guy hanging at the cemetery.

You don't have the opportunity everyday to have headstones as your backdrop.

I can't tell you how big of Papa's Boys Hayden and Teagan have become.

Handsome Fellows

Little Joseph Smith reenactment.

Hayden and Trenton playing. I believe Trenton was thrown down by some web shooting by Haydenman. I feel VERY lucky to have 4 brothers who will play endlessly with my boys. Uncles are the best playmates EVER!

This Poor Old lady couldn't figure out her GPS. First of all, your in a cemetaey, secondly, a GPS won't tell you where your deceased companion is buried. Haha, just joking, but Jeremy is seriously such a champ to help anyone who needs it.

Pretty sad that a lot of the excitement of visiting graves comes from these creatures. Pretty fun to watch!Looking right at us. Couldn't have been the millions of sticks thrown at it to get it's attention.

More play time with his uncles!

The other climax of the trip...swimming. When we were little we couldn't even wait to unpack before hitting up the pool. Why oh why??? Guess it's the fresh scent of chlorine, the delicious cookie you grab from the lobby on the way down, the awakening of the cold water, or perhaps the unveiling of who is sitting in the hot tub. Not quite sure what it is.

Look at that form! Typically I don't flaunt my swimsuit edition of pictures. I don't have that luscious sheen on my hair and rockin' body as I come up from the water like the commercials. So why post this? To give everyone a little chuckle!

While, to everyone who may read this may think this all sounds ridiculous, it actually is fun. Guess it brings out the kids in us. Lame, I know! Oh well, see ya later Idaho. At least for another year :)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lack family jewels...

2010-06-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

Hayden and I had an interesting conversation the other day that I must record. As I put him into the car to go pick up Brian from work, it went a little like this...

Hayden: I'll just be barefoot like the Ninja Turtles.
Me: That's fine. We are just going to pick Daddy up.
Hayden: Did you know the Ninja Turtles are naked?
Me: Yeah, I guess they are. Most animals are.
Hayden: Well, Ninja Turtles don't have pee pees.
Me: No, no they don't.
Hayden: Well, I don't want a pee pee either.
Me: Oh yes you do!
Hayden: Well, Heavenly Father didn't give the Ninja Turtles pee pees!

Ahhh, the joys!

This morning he also told me "I am pressed by you." He meant, "I am impressed by you." Too cute!

May-Day, Snow-Day

2010-05-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

What do you do on a snowy day in May? Well, duh, you build a grassy snowman! While I wasn't too thrilled about the sight of snow on this particular morning, someone in my house sure was! Hayden was so ecstatic and Teagan will take any opportunity to get outside so...

Out we went...

I am glad we had the opportunity to built that long awaited snowman. Hayden was feeling bad we never got to build one during the long winter (not a good reflection of my mothering). Later on in the day Hayden built some other cool stuff...

I love their profiles. They resemble each other more from this angle...

What looked like a gloomy day, turned out to be quite fun! I am learning more and more that I need to take these spontaneous opportunities and make the best of every moment. I love being home with these dudes!

The great outdoors...

2010-05-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

Last week we were able to enjoy some time outside. It's been extremely nice to have Brian home a few nights a week. I feel "normal" again, in that sense. It's also been a breath of fresh air to have some warmer weather. Steve and Kacey had a little visitor staying with them and Hayden LOVED having a friend that "wasn't a baby" when Kacey and I hung out.

Teagan is by far the most free-spirited kid I have ever met. He walks around like he always knows what's up and it's nobody's business.

He has a huge sense of adventure!

Here Joey is trying to convince Hayden that if he climbs to the top, he will be the first 4 year old to do it and he will be amazing....the mind of a 7 year old.

Although this picture may be blurry, it shows Teags fearless personality. I don't know that there is a drop of fear in this kid. We love it!Love this boy too. He wasn't born with adventure like his Brother but he is learning it... Hayden is my boy filled with sensitivity, thoughtfulness, caution, and lots of brains.

BBQ kickoff!

2010-05-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things about summer is the grilling! I could grill EVERY single day if I could! That is if Brian was off every night, I had the resources, etc. With Brian working a crazy schedule, the Scott's and us decided to do a BBQ on a Sunday. Brian had not seen his buddy Ryan in about 5 months or so. That's a record for him. We used to hang out with friends every single Friday and Saturday night! It was a blast!

Thanks for a great time!

Heather's Baby Shower

2010-05-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

I threw Heather, my sister in law, a baby shower a couple weeks ago. I wanted to post a few pictures for everyone's viewing pleasure. I seriously cannot contain my excitement for her to have this BABY! I can't wait to hold him, squeeze him, and kiss him. No worries Trevor and Heather, I won't smother him...at least I will try not to!

Hayden Holding Food

2010-05-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

That is the title of the drawing.
I love the art of a toddler.
I love watching it progress from scribbles to things you can actually depict.
He's had some good ones lately...

Too bad it's on a magna doodle and has probably already been erased.

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T10:07:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mothers out there! I love being a mommy! I have been a mommy for almost 4 years now and it has been the best 4 years yet! I have wanted to be a mom ever since the time I could talk. No lie! I couldn't wait for the day to come that I could get married and have babies! We didn't wait long after Brian and I had been married to get the ball rolling, or the baby growing! I wouldn't change ANYTHING! Hayden brought me so much joy and I felt like I was fulfilling the role I was always meant to do. It hasn't been any different with Teagan. They give me purpose, confidence, and self accomplishment.

Each day seems to be a new challenge but it makes me a stronger and better person. Our life has been quite the ride lately but, one thing is for sure, and that is the fact that I have 2 perfect, handsome, smart, and healthy boys. I can't express my gratitude for the opportunity I have to be a Mom. It is the most respected of all "jobs" out there, in my book.

I want to tell my Mom how much I love her. I am grateful to have her here, healthy, and living close by. She has no idea how much she does for me and how much I appreciate her company, love, advice, and support. That goes for Brian and the boys too. She has been a real trooper putting up with me being around a lot. She is always willing to watch my boys or just help me out with them. She gives unconditional love and has done things for her grandsons that not a lot of Grandma's do. I can't even count the number of things she has taught my boys. Thank you for hundreds of Sunday dinners. Happy Mother's Day and we love you!

Brian's mom is an amazing woman too! She was a brave soul to give birth to 10 kids! Lucky for me, she did, cause Brian is #10! He is the baby. Liana has made us a few beautiful quilts and is quite the seamstress. The boys enjoy going to her house to play with her blocks, books, and visiting with their Grandma Lund. She has helped us in ways that are greatly admired and appreciated. Happy Mother's Day to you! We love you!

So, I may have woken up at 7:00 after 6 hours of broken sleep, eaten a 90 calorie pack of granola bites as I ran out the door to drop Brian off at work, eaten a hot dog and fritos for lunch at 10:30, and will have to get boys ready for church and go to church by my lonesome, but I have decided to not let it get me down. I AM A MOM! Can't complain about that!

Lot's going on...

2010-05-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

Lot's going on here at our household but let's just keep it simple and entertaining by rambling about my day a couple days ago. It contains liquid. Lots and lots of liquid...

I watched Gavin in the morning while Kacey worked out and enjoyed a shower without a little one screaming and demanding her attention. Gavin is so well behaved over here and having one more boy around, is not much different than having 2. This particular morning wasn't any different yet all the sippy cups in the house seemed to despise me. I spent most of the morning cleaning up milk spill after milk spill. No, I didn't cry over the spilled milk. I tried several different cups and not one was spill-proof today. I mean, to be honest, most aren't after awhile anyways. But they had all been fine till that morning. So, lots of milk drippings and puddles.

Later, Hayden asked for blue punch. Yes, the punch I was worried would spill at the shower (later post) on Saturday. We came away that day without much damage. Not Tuesday...we weren't that lucky. Brian willingly got Hayden a nice big cup of blue punch. Cup being the key word. Notice I didn't put "sippy" in front of it. He usually does fine but I don't even risk it with some beverages. Well, I go to turn off the tv and get Hayden ready for a nap and notice something on the floor. Being as blind as I am, I ask Hayden what this substance may be. He says so nonchalantly, "Oh, it's just blue punch." It was EvErYwHeRe on the carpet! I was steaming mad. He sat on the cold basement stairs until I was done scrubbing that crap up. I was mad at the fact Brian had given him a full "cup" and because Hayden had failed to mention the fine details that it had spilled because he was too intrigued with his show!

Finally, I catch a small break for an hour and a half until he comes parading down the stairs with no pants on. I already knew what this meant...I was livid. I had made him go to the bathroom right before he went down for his nap and this rarely ever happens. But, of course it would that day!

I then proceeded to launder everything down to his mattress pad! Oh my! As I said before, lots and lots of liquid!

Later that night, things had calmed down quite a bit and the only liquid spills we had were drops of water from their long "time killer, mood calmer" bath they took. There were also tears from Hayden's eyes after Teagan had a scratch fest on Hayden's face. Luckily it was minor. Oh, there was a few drops of blood as well. Poor big Brother!

I did however, capture some funny moments with the kiddos while relaxing and hanging out in Hayden's room.

I came into Hayden's room to find Hayden, Puss in boots, Pirate, and the Joker looking out the window watching cars go by. Just enjoying some fresh air I guess!

I found Teagan with his quitar on his shoulder while he sang the song "down" by Jay Sean. Notice the sheet..still waiting for the quilt to dry :)

Another shot of Hayden and his "guys" checking things out. The window was open to vent out the room :)

From the mouth of Hayden...

2010-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

Two things have stuck out in my mind that have come from Hayden's mouth the past couple days that I must record.

First off, a couple days ago, he informed me that he would like to go purchase some "crazy nipple" cereal. I have no idea in the world where he came up with this. He would not go to the store with me last night so I picked three cereals that he was eying the other day at the store and took them home. While he was pleased with my cookie crisp purchase, it was not "crazy nipple" cereal. I can't express how bad the curiosity is killing me. I cannot wait to see what this cereal is and what he is confusing the name "crazy nipple" with.

Secondly, on the way home last night, he so sweetly told me, "Mom, you're my precious girl." I just love him. He also tells me every night after I tell him he is so perfect for me, that I am so perfect for him.

Ahh, the simple rewards of being a mom!

What a day...patchy weather, tampons, chaos!

2010-04-13T21:49:00.001-07:00

So, it was just "one of those days!" Let me just back up to last night. Brian and I decided to go see a movie since it was his night off. Our babysitters were limited since my mom is clearly overused, Brian's mom was busy, and Hayden was a little bit sick so we didn't want him to be around neighbors kids. I had my cute little cousin Courtney come over. I was a little worried because Teagan doesn't really do well with people he doesn't see frequently. I thought it would be okay because it was only an hour and 40 minutes and it was almost his bedtime...WRONG! He screamed for AN HOUR for her. My kids are not the type that get over things too quickly. Even Hayden was the kid they would bring to me in church because he just wouldn't stop crying in nursery and they didn't know what to do with him. Teagan is like Hayden in that aspect. Lucky me! Poor Courtney just didn't know what to do with him. He was so sad when we came home and his face was so red and rashy. I picked him up and he squeezed me so tight and refused to let go. After a few minutes he pulled away and touched my cheeks with both his hands and hugged my face. He was traumatized and so was I. I was sick the rest of the night. I felt so bad.

This brings me to today...

I think he may have been mad at me and seeking revenge. I don't know what got into him. He was OUT OF CONTROL. I had had it by about 10:00 a.m. He got into ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he could possibly get his fingers on! I spent my day cleaning up cotton swabs, chips, crackers, garbage, dirty laundry, etc.

His nap was 1 1/2 hours and it was sooooo short! At one point we went outside for a quick little change of scenery. He was SO thrilled. He walked over to every bush in the yard and screamed with excitement. When a car went by, he yelled, "YAY" as he clapped. He ran around but when it was time to go in, oh boy!

I tried to get him to take a second nap at the time Hayden was taking his, it was a no go! I still needed some time so he stayed there for a bit while I sprawled out on my bed face down. I was exhausted!

Teagan so kindly woke up Hayden for me by walking into his room, not sure how he opened the door, climbing onto his bed, and doing what Teagan does.

We then took Brian back to work, he had been out handing out fliers for their new lunch box specials. They look and sound delicious!

I needed to go to Target but wanted to stop at my parents to print coupons, address some shower invitations, and kill some time. Okay, and maybe to have some adult interaction and someone to entertain kiddos for a minute.

At this point, I am thinking, "I am just on edge, Teagan is probably not as crazy as I am portraying him to be." Wrong again. Jeremy shouts up from downstairs, "He is throwing everything away!" "He is being crazy today, has he been like this all day?" He told me that his work keys were in the garbage and luckily Hayden had caught him doing it.

Then he was getting into stuff in Jon's room and he mentioned the same thing, "wow, has he been like this all day?" YES PEOPLE!

I spent my time over there cleaning up bird seeds, putting stuff back into the desk, getting rocks out of his mouth, pulling him away from cords, lifting him off of the top of the table, stopping him from drinking the dog's water, etc.

To top this off, he is getting more teeth. He is so unhappy. I am done with his teething business. He got all four molars and 2 of his incisors in the month of March. I never knew when Hayden was teething, but Teagan is a different teether.

Teagan is more the norm for his age. While I do appreciate the different personalities of my boys, I have my Mom to thank. She always wished when I was little that I would get a kid just like me. She got her wish!

On top of all this chaos, Hayden had a few sayings that got me through the day and put a smile on my face.

While we were outside for our small scenery change, he said to me, "It's a nice day today." I told him it was still a little cold and wet outside. When he was walking down the front steps he said, "well it's a nice day right here." Hence my "patchy weather" in the title.

When I was looking at coupons on the computer he asked if I would read a book. I told him I would when I was done and that I was almost done. He said, "when you're done with tampons?" Funny enough, I had just printed a coupon for tampons. I said "how did you know?" He responded with a "because you told me!" Then I said, "you mean coupons?" Hayden said, "yes, coupons." Phew! Except, it is sad that he even knows the word and meaning, "tampon."

We also visited my cousin Jordan who came home from his mission in Chile today. Welcome home!

I am surprised I am still awake!

My Boys Spring 2010 Photo Shoot!

2010-04-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

I took these pictures a couple weeks ago but had to save them since I surprised my parents with a few prints for Easter...

This is the only one of the two of them together that I really approved of for "hanging on the wall" I absolutely loved it though

For those of you who have frequently been around Teagan, can you just HEAR these next pictures?

This next one is my fave! It shows both of their personalities just perfect. Hayden is so chill and Teagan is, well, not! It is so fun to be raising two boys with two different personalities. I wouldn't change a thing...except maybe the volume of boy #2's screeching. I love them both so much!

Not too bad. My boys are, in my opinion, Adorable!

Easter and Birthday Extravaganza

2010-04-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

Easter for us started last Sunday while dying Easter eggs up at my Grandparents house. It's been a long time since we have gotten the big family together to do something fun so I arranged a dessert and egg dying party. It was so much fun and so nice to see everyone.

Hayden is a guy after his Dad's own heart. He takes his holiday festivities very seriously. He LOVES to color eggs. He outdid everyone as far as numbers are concerned. His Uncles made lots of cool ones for him too including superhero eggs! He loved them so much we are not allowed to eat them and he checks up on them in our fridge. What will I do when it is time to throw them out!Here is a picture with most all who could dye eggs. Those who weren't busy chasing Teagan, discussing politics, or wandering around lost and confused. Mindy is my cousin with Cerebral Palsy. She is just about 7 months older than I am and is SOOO full of personality. She keeps us on the floor laughing sometimes. On this particular day she was talking to my cousin Cody when he told her "They can't hurt me, I'll open a can on em!" Mindy then said, "A can of Kick Ass!" She is hilarious!The man behind all the creative superhero eggs! He is a hero to Hayden! Ahh, good sports!Hard at work!

He is pretty photogenic!

Teag and his Grandma.

My mom always teases me that I like to stretch my Birthday out. I sure do and I am not afraid to admit it! Brian had to work all weekend so I included some of my other favorite people to enjoy it with me...

I decided on a girls night on Friday to celebrate with friends. Then it wouldn't be me with all our friends with their hubbies! We went to Cheesecake Factory, mmmmmm! I left feeling overloaded with food and chocolate food. Afterwards, we hung out at my house and played some games and ate MORE chocolate! Thanks to all the gals who were able to come. It really made my night! All I can say is that I have good friends.

Danielle, Christy, Sally, Kacey, myself, and MaryAnn! Sorry Danielle, it accidentally ended up on here. Don't you just hate when that happens?

I woke up Saturday morning BLOATED! Hmmm, wonder why!!! Kacey surprised me with a much needed and relaxing facial. It even resulted in a few extra visitors for my birthday. They stayed in the Hotel "Forehead." Still worth it. Thank you Steve for babysitting! I then went to my adorable nieces baby shower. Yep, some of my nephews and nieces on Brian's side are either my same age, a few older, and mostly younger. It was another fun girlie get together.
This is my cute niece Whitney. She is having a baby girl and they are naming her Rylie. This is a picture of her with the frame I made for Rylie's room.
I usually have to bring along my boys to these shindigs even if they are "girls only."Me and Shelby.

Later, I ended up running a few miscellaneous errands and then after the boys were done with Priesthood, we went to Applebees for dinner. Brian got off a little early and was able to join us. Thank HEAVENS! Teagan was sooo ready for bed at 7 and we didn't get there till 8 and our food was finally on the table by 9! You can imagine the fun we were having...
Yes, when your kid is screeching you let him do whatever keeps him quiet. Even if it means digging into your food with his whole fist and grabbing handfuls of rice and spreading it around. It was a night that EVERY part of me was EXHAUSTED! I had fun anyways.Messy Messy!The gang. Seriously, I wish all these men had come in my behalf but they were mostly friends and neighbors who went to Priesthood with my Dad and Brothers. Still fun!Looking alive!My little family of four.

After dinner my Mom wanted us to come over for our little Easter. She gave us all adorable shirts, yummy treats, and the boys some fun toys. When we finally walked into the door of our house at 11:30 or so, Brian announces he is headed to Wal-Mart. CrAzY! I knew what he was up to, tried to convince him I would be okay without a present the next day, but he still insisted. Very sweet Husband I have! I got ready for Easter the next day by digging out Easter baskets for the Easter bunny and helped the Easter bunny stuff eggs and put together all the goods. When Brian got home, I could hear he was assembling something. I knew exactly what it was, it was a long time coming folks! You will see it later. I grinned and fell asleep.

Sunday was my actual Birthday. It was also Easter and Conference Sunday. I woke up, finished the Easter stuff and went down to see my surprise. Brian had bought a T.V.! It has been about 5 months since even having T.V. service. Sound pathetic, TRY IT and then tell me how pathetic I am! Also, have your husband gone 60 hours-mostly nights, take your computer with him, and leave you without a car some days! We have been wanting a non-ghetto T.V. since last Valentines Day when we said that was our gift to each other. Never happened. My parents pitched in so the cost wasn't such a bite.

He had re-arranged the whole living room and set it up. I loved the whole thing. I also wasn't about to watch Conference on a tiny computer screen or listen to it on the radio.

Hayden is typically very observant but this particular morning, after he woke up, he walked downstairs, glued, and didn't say a word. We had put it on cartoons and waited for a response. He has been watching the same movies for months now on our little T.V. It took a lot of coaxing to get him to hunt for his eggs and even then, he was too distracted until we turned off the T.V. It was pretty amusing to watch. He never mentioned anything about the new T.V. until that night before bed. He said, "I like our new T.V." Wow, he DID notice!
I love that about 2 buttons are holding Hayden's top shut. Too studly!Here is proof that he was indeed glued!We kept yelling his name for a picture and to find eggs. Teagan was even irritated that he wasn't paying attention so he got off his chair and got up in his face.
Look at his mouth hanging open in amazement.
T.V. had to be turned off shortly after this because 6 eggs were taking way to long to find!
Finally "actively looking."This is what was in his basket. He kept checking up on this particular toy every time we were at Target-which is often!Teag got a t-ball set. Perfect for a boy who loves to set things up and hit something.
Hayden's awesome Batman and Spiderman Eggs.Teagan snuck in some candy when he thought we weren't looking. Sly little Guy!

We had Gardners over for some pancakes and to watch the first Sunday session of conference. It was very touching to listen to all who spoke. I always have a hard time wanting to watch conference due to my ADD, but always love what I see and hear! Hayden was also very sweet and asked if it is the Prophet of Jesus Christ we were going to watch. He also told us he like to watch the prophets on T.V. He really didn't complain the whole time we watched conference. I made a jello for that night, made my parents some cute frames for Easter, and made sure kids were fed, had naps, and were happy for the big Smith family get-together that night.

We arranged an egg hunt for all the kids after dinner. So glad we did since it ended up being the only one besides our own for Hayden and Teagan. We also had a "guess how many jelly beans" and a little Easter DVD to watch. It was a successful party!
Hayden is "hunting" for eggs on the lawn. He was in the 3 and under category so things were made a little easier. Brian Helping Teag
Uncle Trenton was so nice to help Hayden!
Once Teagan spotted my Aunt and Uncles neighbors dog, he wanted nothing to do with eggs. He loves "dowgs"!
Hayd getting his egg stolen. Guess that's what happens when your up against the big kids!

Getting back into it! He had to at least reach the limit of 7 eggs!

Brinley is my Cousin Julie's oldest. She was born on my 14th Birthday and was about 3-4 weeks early. I told Julie it was going to happen and she rolled her eyes at me and said, "ugh, I would die!" Well, she is alive and Brinley was indeed born on my Birthday. I love sharing it with her!It was a great Birthday& Easter!

Thank you economy!

2010-03-15T21:16:00.001-07:00

While I could go on and on and ON about how the economy has affected us, I will share a small tidbit from Hayden's mouth:

"I am a child of God, and he has sent me here...Has given me a homely life...!"

Well, thanks again you sucky economy! Luckily, he doesn't really know how bad we have been affected or what he was singing. Just too funny!