Sunday, January 23, 2011

"How do I feel?"

I started this blog post over 3 months ago. I have found very little motivation to do anything. Also, it's all over the place so I feel like it's a rotten post. But, it is a lot of my feelings. Don't feel any obligation to read. In fact, this post may be changed from time to time.

Back to the title...It's a loaded question.

Lots of people ask, but also, I ask myself this constantly too.

I don't even know where to begin with this. I have more emotions running through my head than ever before.

I read a quote in a book that basically summed it all up for me:

"How many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating."

As a mom, there is ONE thing you never mess with and that is her children! I have now been pregnant FIVE times and have two kids. They are perfect and I would NEVER trade them for anything. But I have never felt so alone and empty inside. I never got the chance to protect my little gal.

I have been through every stage of grief and then back again. It is a complete circle that repeats itself over and over.

When we first lost Eden, I was obviously completely devastated but in a great deal of shock. It was Christmas time and lots of distractions. While I was still sad and crying a great amount, it was still so unreal. Since then, I have had complete anger, denial, depression, partial acceptance at times, and then gone back to another. It's hard to pinpoint certain instances that will trigger one of the emotions and easy to pinpoint others.

I have felt like the girl I have wanted for so long was just ripped away from me. I never got to say hello, or dress her up. I never got to hug her or kiss her. I could relate it to having something or someone within arms reach while falling off a cliff. You almost have it and then it's gone, gone for good.

I am confused. I am confused about where she is, why this happened, and what the future holds for not only us, but for her. Everyone has their own ideas and opinions and freely shares them whether its wanted or not. While I don't necessarily think everyone is wrong, I have learned it is different for everyone and everyone must search it out for themselves.

Now, I don't love to share religious stuff often, but this experience could not go without some kind of spiritual relevance. I have always been known for my bluntness, honesty, and not holding back. Some appreciate this while others do not.

The night of my delivery felt very different. While there was so much sadness, their came a great joy from seeing the miracle of life and death. Of the human body and purpose. I knew where Eden had come from and returned back to in just a short amount of time. When I looked and held her sweet little body, I couldn't help but think it was an imperfect body and that someday, her spirit would come to me in a perfect body. That is truly all I wanted or could hope for.

During the Holidays I was able to feel some peace in the plan Heavenly Father has for each of us. My thoughts started to take a turn as I started feeling extremely manipulated into being "good." Now I know it may seem easy to judge, but until you have lost a child, don't. In getting to know other moms who have experienced this, they all feel the same. I felt that the only way I would ever get to see and raise my beautiful girl was if I "passed" the test here on earth. I felt tricked into it all.

I had struggled before this experience to see those who had left the church after experiencing a tragedy. I wondered how you could leave something you knew and felt to be true. I quickly felt humbled. I had NOTHING left in me to give a single soul. Church became a chore and lacked a lot of emotion. I have never been of the attitude, "you give me something first and then I will do something for you." I have just felt beaten into the ground. I feel like every time I have any urge to get back up, I get beaten fiercely back down before given the chance.

I realize now, that I never knew what true depression felt like. I have no interest in activities I once enjoyed. I would love to stay in bed, I have eaten myself sick with peppermint patties (gained all weight back), had high stress and anxiety, and many other pleasurable symptoms. It has not helped a lick that I have not been able to get pregnant again.

Now, I don't want to be a negative person. I have spent numerous amount of time trying to look at the positive. I just see so much sadness around and I am literally worn to pieces trying to find some good things happening right now. I will say that the one blessing I see everyday which is pretty significant is my little family. Brian, Hayden, and Teagan. Everyday that I wake up and have them alive and happy, and healthy. I couldn't be more grateful. If that's what I get out of life, I'll take it. They give me a reason to live. If it weren't for my two boys, I wouldn't want to be here.

I have somewhat felt numb for quite some time. I have to or else I would fall to pieces all the time. I still can't listen to church hymns and certainly can't sing them. I sit and have to distract myself. In most cases, this is how I get by in public circumstances. As my due date approaches and I watch EVERYONE I was pregnant with bring their sweet babies home, emotions are really high again. Losing Eden is part of my life story. It will forever affect certain aspects of how I feel, how I think, and what I do. Time does heal, but it will never change what happened.

Postpartum Checkup

I had my 4 week postpartum visit on Friday. It was harder than I had anticipated. When the whole incident first happened, I thought it would be impossible. As time went by, I thought it wouldn't be so bad.

After parking far from the Women's Center (as if parking isn't bad enough at IMC-there had to be some heart convention going on that same day) I made my way to where I needed to be.

First I had to go make a visit to the business office to discuss my new insurance plan that actually kicked in a week after I delivered Eden. I talked to them about what had happened, what was going on with insurance, and who to talk to about options for our outrageous bill. After having to talk to three different people, I finally was sent back out to the waiting room. Well, there I sat with other women who were there for their 6 week postpartum visits-baby in hand. I sat just feet away from the exact chair I had sat in just 4 weeks earlier awaiting the future of my baby girl. I stared out the window, the same ugly gray lit the sky. There I waited...and waited...and WAITED! I was alone and couldn't keep my mind distracted. I looked around for a magazine. December dates and Christmas themed stuff covered most of front pages. Ugh, December. Just the sound of it made me sick. I sat back and choked back tears for what seemed like forever. Finally I get called back.

I just cringed hoping the cute little aid knew what had happened so as to not do the normal routine and have to awkwardly explain the situation-yet again. My perfect nurse Syndee asks how I was doing. I just responded with an easy, "alright." She looked at me, "Really, be honest, it's hard coming back to the office. "Yes, I said, it is. It really sucks." Still I had to keep my mind off of the purpose I was there for.

After a quick blood pressure check-who gives what it is, I was shoved into my room to sit on crisp, crackling, white parchment paper while half nude. I thought, "really, how insulting at this point!" As if my waiting wasn't long enough, he finally pokes his head in. First he apologizes for his cold. I've had one since I was a couple months pregnant so this could not concern me in the least. Then he tells me he is off to deliver a baby. Awesome. He was sweet enough to offer me water or a diet coke. While I would have loved the second, I told him I had water and should be fine. Lie. I had spent some of my time prior just texting but now my phone kept chiming it's low battery beep at me every couple minutes. Great, a dead phone. Luckily I had brought a good read. I sat with that ugly plastic sided rough napkin draped over me. Those are laughable anyways. They have seen it all anyways. As if this thing is going to save you any kind of dignity. Now, while I am not a private person, I would seem much more ridiculous sitting there without it.

He FINALLY comes in and explains how stubborn the baby he just delivered was, facing upward instead of down. I wasn't really in any mood to hear about the birth of a baby at this point but it was nothing against my Doctor. I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is amazing. We talked a lot about insurance, next pregnancy, etc. I explained the timing of what happened and the whole insurance issue. I explained to him the bills we had received. I asked him if there was anything I could do to get any of it taken care of. I told him we weren't even in the hospital for 24 hours. He asked how much our bill was. I told him we were at $4500. Money we don't have lying around. That's a whole other stress in itself. He asked if I had been billed from them yet. I said yes, but that it was his partner that had to deliver the baby. He told me to hold on and disappeared out the door for a few minutes.

When he came back in, he said the total from them was now $0. I was so grateful and so extremely relieved. I apologized and he immediately turned and said, "Robyn, Robyn, Robyn...no no no no no!" He told me that he obviously couldn't do anything about the hospitals portion but he could do something about his. He seriously is the best.

I would not expect to get off like this if I had had a different end result. I feel like I went to the grocery store, racked up an extremely high bill, but walked out of the store with nothing. If anything, a huge empty space I would try to fill for who knows how long.

He said that physically, everything was looking good. I told him we would really like to have a baby before the end of the year. While there are two major reasons for this, I told him again about the insurance. He told me to only wait one cycle instead of two. Apparently, that is still 2 periods??? Believe me, it took several times to get it straight. It was honestly not a relief seeing that I was under the impression two cycles was two periods. Well, he thought he was being generous and it's the thought that counts, right? He did say the sky wouldn't fall down if it happened before then. While I really hoped I would just be miraculously pregnant, I am not. I also am not sure if I am emotionally ready. May give it time.

After a couple hours, I was finally done.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Songs

Life has been pretty "silent." After everything happened on December 23rd, I stopped doing things I typically enjoy. One for instance, was listening to music. Music is so powerful to me and I knew that listening to the radio or any kind f music would hurt me to much or later on it would remind me of what happened.

My kids however, have fallen in love with "A Winter's Song." They request it every time we are driving. It is repeated over and over. Luckily, it's a good song. So, after the incident, Brian and I couldn't even turn on the radio, but occasionally, if the kids were in the car, this had to be played. I tried to tune it out like most things right now, but when I did listen to the words, of course I cried.

"A Winters Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms.

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Brian was the first to turn on the radio at one point and when it was on, it was a station neither of us really listen to. I thought, "great, doesn't remind me of anything and it's "hard" enough to not bring to much emotion."

When we took our little road trip down to St. George, we did so in quiet. The kids watched their DVD's but it was the first time ever I was not dying to have a favorite CD, ipod, or station playing.

Like I said, silence. While it can be nice at times, sometimes THAT kills me. Nothing feels quite right still.

After a couple weeks, I have started to be able to turn on the radio in the car occasionally. When a song by Taylor Swift came on, I teared up again. While it doesn't completely pertain to me or my situation, I do look back at December in a different way.

"Back To December" by Taylor Swift

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

I kind of think of these songs as "my girls"

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Our Baby Eden

I will start off this new blogging year with what has consumed my every thought and action for the past two weeks now...

This is my journal entry written just a few days after we delivered our stillborn baby girl. I wrote this while it was still fresh so that I wouldn't forget any details.

My Sweet baby girl Eden

"Brian and I made the decision to get pregnant back in August. Brian had been wanting another baby so bad for a couple months. I had wanted to space numbers 2 and 3 out a little more. But, when it’s time, it’s time. I had felt like something or someone was missing from out family. Like when I was taking care of Hayden and Teagan, I would look around for that "someone else."

I was sitting in a sacrament meeting one particular Sunday before I had found out I was pregnant. It was a baby blessing of a little girl in our ward. I had a strong spiritual experience where a voice entered my head and told me I was pregnant, and she was a girl. I don't have these experiences often. That was it. I didn’t try and dwell on it too much after that.

I took a pregnancy test about a week after and found out that I was indeed pregnant. I was so excited and a bit nervous knowing we didn’t have health insurance. I knew we would find a way and all would be okay.

Because of my history with miscarriage, I was put on Progesterone like I had been on with Teagan. I started feeling really sick around 6 weeks. This seemed all normal since I had had the similar thing happen with Teagan. Only, his lasted 2 short weeks and this time, it kept on going. I had a couple weeks I could not physically stand up straight. It was difficult to do a normal task and take care of my kids. Since I had decided not to tell anyone of the pregnancy until we knew the gender, I was faced with the fact I would do most of this alone. I did tell my friend and neighbor who I am very close with so that she could help me out and she did.

I had been so nervous throughout Teagan’s pregnancy given the circumstances I had faced, but with this pregnancy I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I had the impression that everything would be okay. This helped calm my nerves.

One night, I had a dream about Brian’s Dad that was really neat. I felt his presence often after that and knew he was caring for all of our future children including the one I was currently carrying.

I started feeling a little better around 12 or 13 weeks. Not completely, but mostly. I was anxious to spread the news and to know what the sweet baby was that was growing inside me. We went to Fetal Foto around 13 ½ weeks and saw that we would be adding a precious little princess to our family. I couldn’t have been more excited. I had my first impression confirmed true. I felt very close to the spirit and ecstatic to raise a daughter.

The weeks that followed were a bit more interesting. As we shared the news, it was so fun and exciting. Everyone was amazed at the secret I had kept. I was amazed that my physical stature had not given it away earlier. I was gaining way less weight than with my boys who I had gained at least 10 pounds by the time I even tested positive. It still all seemed unreal. I of course made a few small purchases since I had never been able to shop for a girl. I found the bedding I wanted, and had started planning out the room situation.

I still had a hard time “feeling” pregnant. Although I was still neauseous and extremely tired, I didn’t feel like I was growing enough. Clothing became tight, but again, nothing like my boys.

I remember mentioning to my mom once that every time I bought her something, I thought, this will never fit her no matter how tiny it is. She is so small. I guess maybe I never pictured her a normal size infant.

I also had about 2-3 dreams that I started bleeding and lost the baby. I would wake up horrified and afraid. I kept thinking it was due to the fear I had about losing her and my past experiences. I had a glimpse of hope seeing that I had seen her, heard her heartbeat and was almost halfway there. And although she wasn’t very active, I thought I had started to feel her move.

On the night of the 21st of December, as we were driving home, I looked over at Brian and told him I felt weird. I felt like something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t know what was wrong but I wondered if it was because my kids were coming down with something and Brian was trying to make a job decision. Also, our car started to make a strange noise and I was worried about finding a way to pay for repairs. We went home and were getting excited for all the time off Brian had with us. I envisioned in my head what we would do the next couple days to bring in the Holiday and celebrate together. I had been preparing and looking forward to this Christmas for a long time.

The next morning we woke up and started to plan the day. Around 9:30 or so, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I started to panic and told Brian to get the kids ready to go and in the car. Seeing that it would take too much time and kids weren’t extremely happy already, we decided it was best for me to just go. I headed out and called my mom. I started to cry and told her I was coming to get her. I had already tried to get a hold of the Dr, but only could leave a message. My nurse tried calling back while on the phone with my mom. I hurried and called her back. By this time, I had my mom in the car with me. Syndee told me I had an appointment at 12:10. The clock said about 9:46. I had too much anxiety to turn around and go sit at home for 2 hours. My nurse told me I could come in and get my Rogham shot and then wait. I voted for that option so we kept on driving.

We got there and went straight to the lab to get my blood work done. When that was over with, we went into the office to wait for the longest 1 ½ hours of my life. In the meantime, I kept having to go to the bathroom. I had the same experience when I miscarried the first time but tried to chalk it up to nerves.

Several scenarios rushed through my head as I sat there with my mom. What I so badly wanted to happen was for them to tell me where the bleeding was coming from, the baby was fine, and to either go home and take it easy, or everything would be okay.

When we were finally called back, the whole day turned around. First, the technician found a pocket of fluid around the placenta that she said the bleeding was coming from. I was so relieved for a split second. As she moved down further to see the baby, I couldn’t even look. I didn’t see any movement or heartbeat. The technician confirmed she was gone and I was completely shocked and devastated. She also showed me the adema around her head and the measurement that indicated she had probably been gone for a couple weeks. I went to the bathroom and just lost it. When I got out, I was escorted to my Doctor’s office. Syndee met me in the hall and just hugged me while I cried. She came in and talked to my mom and I for a while. We called my Dad and Brian and I texted Kacey and let her know as well. I honestly didn’t know what to do at this point. I was lost and confused. Doctor Terry came in a talked to me as well and shared his experience with a stillborn at 7 months. He is a very spiritual guy and after this experience, I know I was supposed to have him as my Doctor for a reason. I remember Syndee offering to have Doctor Terry help administer a blessing with my Dad when he arrived. We decided to wait and meet Brian at my parents. We talked about my options to deliver our baby girl. We chose to deliver as soon as possible. I couldn’t live with the fact she would sit in me, lifeless, for several days.

I went to my parents and had a priesthood blessing from my Dad, Brian, and Jon. I can’t express how much these blessings mean to me and how Grateful I am for a worthy Father, Husband, Brothers, and Friends who are able to administer these sacred blessings. Heather, Lorilee, and Trevor visited me there later.

We were scheduled to go in to Labor and Delivery at 6 that night. I had been told it could take several days sometimes and I was so nervous to be there over Christmas Day. I just wanted my boys to be able to have an enjoyable Christmas. At this point, I didn’t care for myself. I knew this year would be a “going through the motions” for myself.

We went in that night and immediately were put into a room and started the process. I had asked if they would do another ultrasound to make sure that there was nothing there. I still had a glimpse of hope a miracle could happen. It was confirmed again, that no heartbeat was to be found.

I had Brian there with me at first and then Kacey came. She had helped watch the boys most of the day and packed me a hospital bag. I can’t express what she means to me right now. My parents at this point were watching the boys but brought Teagan with them to the hospital. He was so sweet. He really knew I needed his love. I so badly just wanted to hold both my baby boys and never let go. My grandparents and Brian’s sister Mel came for a visit. It was so nice to be surrounded by those I love.

I was given the pills every 4 hours. At one point, my parents went to get kids in bed and would return when I was closer to delivery. I kept getting feverish and grew more and more uncomfortable with pressure. Dr. Barton was the on call Doctor that night. He wasn’t Dr. Terry, but he was nice. We called my parents when I was already dilated to about a 3 ½. The nurse said it didn’t take much and could happen anytime. I opted to not have any pain medication or epideral. I wanted to have the full experience, it wasn’t too unbearable, and I knew we would be paying out of pocket for everything.

The doctor kept checking and said she was trying to come through but the cervix wasn’t softening up much. He said he didn’t want to pull on anything since she was still so soft and fragile.

I kept dreading the fact I was about to experience labor and lots of physical pain and effort to get out a body without a little spirit. I felt like this work would have no reward.

I was so nervous for this to all be over. I was nervous to see my little girl in a form I had never expected to see her in. I was sad that I would no longer be pregnant in just minutes and have no baby to take home with me. All my hopes for our daughter were gone in just an instant.

Around 3 in the morning, I knew she had come all the way. She was right there and ready.

At 3:13, December 23rd, she arrived in full tact still in the sac. It was amazing to see. The placenta came out with it too which was a small blessing. I had been told there was a chance of a d&c if it hadn’t.

He had to remove her from the sac so we could see her and hold her. I asked Brian if he would please hold her first. I had to know it was okay. She was handed to Brian first on a little blanket. When I was ready to see her, She was handed to me. It was one of the hardest things I had to see. I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. I am so glad I did. It was absolutely miraculous to see her little body. All the parts, just so tiny and slightly incomplete. I remember her skin was still translucent. I could tell she was our little girl. I looked at her precious little feet and hands. So cute. Her head was a little deflated and the hardest thing for me to look at. My mom says she thinks she would have had Teagan’s nose. I couldn’t really tell. I remember her little stomach. I thought her mouth was open but not sure about that either. The little cord was wrapped around her neck which was so heartbreaking to see. I think the Doctor had tried to move it but it was so fragile. She was so fragile. I remember holding her in my hand, feeling her weight. She looked sweet.

I remember the thought crossing my mind that this was a little body that couldn’t make it right now. Just one of those hard things in life. I was so devastated. I remember thinking this is not what I had pictured, I didn’t want to be there, and it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. It was so hard.

She was passed between Myself, Brian, Kacey, and my Parents.

I remember how peaceful the night seemed. It was dark, but cozy in my room. I hated looking across the street and seeing the location of Fetal Foto where I had just seen her lively body moving inside me just weeks before.

We admired her for a bit and then had the nurse come get her when we were ready. It was hard knowing that was the last time physically being able to see her, or maybe just that little body.

I was transferred to a room in the main tower. They thought it would be easier for me. I am not sure it was the best idea.

We had more visitors. Heather again, Kacey, Liana, and Mel and Blair. I received some really pretty flowers from a group of friends. Heather was so sweet to bring me flowers and a decent breakfast. I was amazed by her love and support as well. I have been amazed to see who comes forth in a time like this. I am deeply touched.

I headed home in between 1 and 2. I was anxious to get home, see my boys, and get some Christmas prep done. I was anxious to meet with a friend Traci, who had a similar experience.

At this point, I would like to believe she will come to us again and get a more perfected body. While in the shower, I had a little voice enter my head on Christmas Eve say, “Mommy, I am coming.” I want so badly right now to believe it was her and that it will happen. I still am not sure what to feel and think right now. I am trying to let everything process.

My Dad is probably my main comfort. He is always there and always knows the right things to say. I love him. I know he has inspiration for me. I believe the words he tells me. He also had a spiritual experience happen to him the night before the delivery. He was told not to take this baby for granted as he comforted his Boss who’s daughter had just lost her baby at about the same point as me. He had that same voice come to him the morning all of this unraveled. How close he is to the spirit."


The days that have followed have been unreal. I can't even explain the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, and all other emotions that I am experiencing right now. I honestly feel numb and completely drained emotionally and physically.

Nothing feels right and everything feels strange, uncomfortable, and not normal.

I have so many thoughts going through my head but will save those for another post. I do want to tremendously thank all who have been praying for us. I want you to know that I feel it. I often wonder how I am being sustained and I feel the prayers, the love, and the support. Thank you!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Quick Catch Up

My intentions were to get caught up, and stay caught up.

My thinking has changed a bit. While there was quite a bit that has happened between now and August (last time I updated), I want to start moving forward. I need a place to write down some thoughts and feelings. Here is a quick recap of the most important things from the 4 months I missed that we want to remember...

October:

Brian turned 29:

Halloween:
It was fun and very rainy.
Hayden and Teagan were the cutest superhero buddies ever!

November:

Teagan turned 2!
He is so much fun. While he has been a little tough at times, he has brought so much fun and laughter into our home. He is so full of personality and attitude. He says about everything and has the memory and comprehension skills unlike anything I have ever seen. We love him tons. At his 2 year old check up he was the "chunkiest" he has been since he was 9 month old. He weighed about 26 pounds and is super tall, of course.

We had tons of fun doing other various activities but this is what I remember most. Maybe when there is more motivation, I will fill in some blanks later.